And those who were seen dancing, were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

~Nietzsche~

Friday, October 30, 2009

Bye Bye My Space

So I have taken every precaution  to make sure that I handled this situation with as much grace as humanly possible and feel like so far have been doing a pretty good job.

1 - I turned off my phone, put it in a box and sent it to my parents house to be mailed back to me when I was strong enough to turn it on again.  ( I tend to send very angry, vicious texts when I am hurting....and I am hurting....bad).  I felt like this was a good move. (notice I even wrote some inspirational words on the back of the package to remind me when I get it in the mail)  I love mail!!!!



2 - I joined a gym and have been to some very intense cardio dance classes including kickboxing, Zumba, and Hip Hop at least once a day, but am not afraid to go twice or three times if the moment calls for it. (plus it will give me a rockin bathing suit body just in time for snowpants).


3- I broke down and went to the doctor and got on meds.





4 - I have started reconnecting with old friends who are not quite the bandaids my kids, but have put a great deal of neosporin on my owies.....  I feel them starting to heal.




However,  I am now finding myself at the point in the greiving process where I am past my selfish anger and now want him to feel the pain.  And I mean FEEL THE PAIN.  I have a MySpace account that I have not used in over a year, as I am now a Facebook junkie.  However, I know he uses it on a daily basis.  I have found myself logging on the past couple days and making "posts" that if he just so happened to read, might stir up some anxiety in him the way I am suffocating in anxiety.

My posts have started to get meaner and meaner.  Today I decided to take the high road.  I am not a mean person, and I do not have to make him hurt in order for me to heal (although I'm not gonna lie, it does bring a fair amount of pleasure).  I am better than this and the only way for me to heal is through LOVE.  Hateful, hurtful posts do not fall under that category.

Since I have little self control (thus the phone sitting in a box in heber waiting to be mailed back) I made the decision........

5 - MySpace has to go.




I did it, and I feel great.  One step at a time.

Now I'm going to kickboxing.




Thank you all for your support and willingness to hold my heart in your hands as I work through this chapter of my life.  I love you.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

It's Time

Today I am looking to the sky.  Today I see a silver lining.  This ....um.... experience (a.k.a. hell on earth) that I have been given has given me 2 choices...

Sink or Swim

I choose swim.  I have found a new center inside myself that I may not have found had I not been crushed under the weight of betrayal and broken dreams.  I have done a lot of soul searching and I realized, my dreams have not been broken.  They have only been altered.  In addition, I realized that what I THOUGHT were my dreams really weren't all that ambitious.

I am too powerful, spiritual and strong to reach for the trees.  I'm strapping on the rocket and coming to the stars baby.  Some people are given simple lives and use them for putting positive energy into the world.  Others are given challenging lives and use them to inspire others.  I fit in the 2nd category.  And I accept the challenge.

I will walk strong through this second in eternity just like every other challenge I have survived.  Thank you God for giving me a purpose in life.

Love and Light - Jenn

Monday, October 26, 2009

My Awesome Night


That's me..... on the right in the boots. 

Ok, so that's not really me and the ghost of Michael Jackson, but I decided to do something for myself today.  I keep saying that I have to be healthy before I can help my family.

I signed up for a gym that offers every sort of dance class from Zumba, Boot Camp, Yoga, Pilates, Hip Hop, and everything in between.

Tonight was Hip Hop and I learned the true blue Thriller dance.  I must say I was the shiz-nit.  I haven't had this much fun in months and the release that came from dancing was more theraputic than any anti-psychotic meds that are on the market. 

I think tomorrow will be Zumba.....  Wednesday is Kick Boxing.  It is great to find a positive release for all this pent up energy. 

Anyway, this may be a new career move for me........ I think they are missing a key player in the Thriller video now......  This just might be my big break :)

It's good to smile again.

Today's Oxy-moron.

Yes, I am one of those people now.  I heart stabalization meds.  I mean I really REALLY heart the meds i am taking.  And no, I am not talking about Midol or Pamprin.  Thanks to an intuitive mother who INSISTED that I see a crisis doctor immediately, I am on some very very heavy duty anti-anxiety meds.  The big league.  I have spent my life protesting medicating people.  Guess I'll just chalk this one up to eating more "I will never......" words.  My mouth has become quite full of those bold naieve claims from early in my innocent life.  (Ok, so we all know I didn't have an "innocent" live, but that is neither here nor there)

I guess this makes me a hypocrite considering that it was drugs that started this whole downward spiral. And if I hate anything with all my heart and soul right now, it would be drugs.   Not sure if it make a difference that my drugs are legal and for stabilization while his were illegal and used as an escape from reality.  Either way, if these meds I am on take away the burning desire to smash dishes through the window, scrub the sewer with his toothbrush, or slash the tires on his car, then I will wear the scarlet letter H on my forehead with pride.  And they do.  I guess Mom still knows best and has the final say even when you are 31 years old.

So here is my confession.....  Hi, my name is Jenn.  I am a hypocrite, but at least I am a stabilized   hypocrite and I am not typing this using my nose while being restrained in a straight jacket at UNI.


Thank you god that I am not typing this from the coockoo house.

Today

Today I did a good thing.  And I feel happy about it.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Pick a card....any card....


Me do thinks this is how I am going to pick my day from now on....  a sort of "smiley roulette".
If I don't like what I get, I will put it back in the bag and pick another.

Cause I can!!!  It's my game and I will make the rules.
Simple as that.

Hope


Today, i am embracing hope.


I believe that God gets it right.  We may not understand why or how, but I think that each experience is a gift.  Thank you god for giving me this gift.  I hope I can make some sense of it soon.

Today is one of not only peace, but joy.  This gives me solitude and I am reflecting on my blessings, hope and  opportunities for the future.  Sometimes holding on to what we think we want is not always the best thing.  Opportunities and miracles come knocking at the door every day.  If we are too busy making "to do" lists of our lives, we miss out on magical opportunities.



Happy Moments

Happiness is rebuilt in small moments.  You know, the ones that don't seem life changing as you are experiencing them, but once you collect enough of them, they add up to one big happy smile.

I got one tonight and wanted to thank the universe for sending me the perfect happy moment at the perfect time.  And yes dad, I do believe that through this strange re-introduction of an old awesome friend, this was meant to come into my life at this exact moment.

Thank you Robb.  You brought a big piece of puzzle happiness tonight and left it in my smile.  It was so good to see you again.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters


Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost....I am helpless.
It isn't may fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.


Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in....it's a habit....but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.


Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.


Chapter 5

I walk down another street.


* Taken from the book  There's a Hole in My Sidewalk written by Portia Nelson.
Thank you Portia, you couldn't have said it better.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thank You

Today I called my mom in a moment of overwhelming anxiety over something that should have been totally managable.  Due to my state of mind this week it pushed me over the edge.  I practically hung up on her and had what might be described as a nervous breakdown on the floor of my house.

Momma's intuition told her an intervention was in order and 45 minutes later she and my dad were standing at my door.  After a night of  McDonalds for the kids, a call to the doctor for anti-anxiety meds for me, and a very much needed distraction for us all, the kids are in bed and I am on my way as well, praying for a nightmare-less night. 

Thank you Mom and Dad for helping me and my family today.  I know this is gonna be a tough fire to put out, but you definitely did your part tonight.  




We love you. - Jenn, Zehn and Sasha

Worst Day

I wonder if anyone ever really has the perspective to know that yes..... today is the worst day of my life. 

Just a thought.

Fresh Face

I'm working on a new day today....starting with a new blog layout.  It's is a simple task that I can see tangible results quickly.  Baby steps back to bigger ponds.  Today will be a good day.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Basic Survival Instincts




I am always fascinated by the coping mechanisms we intrinsically have when staring trauma in the face. I have been digging deep for any basic survival instincts just to do the day to day chores. Things like getting out of bed, bathing my children, feeding them and maintaining presentable composure as I talk with others. This has taken every ounce of strength I have had over the past 2 days.

And then I remember….. Zehn’s dermatologist appointment is today to get his mole checked for possible cancer. Really God, today? Well, God didn’t have to tell me because the calendar did. “Zehn’s dermatologist appt, 2:30 p.m. w/ Dr. Christopher Hull” Thank you calendar. I will remember this as I am using you to start a fire in my fire-pit next summer.

Anyhow, there it is. So I take a deep breath, shower, put on my makeup, I even curl my hair and put a load of laundry in the wash. I have been feeling better this morning due to the band-aids my children put on my heart last night. I can do this and this will be a step back towards life as normal.

How silly our minds can be, playing tricks on us when we are standing in the middle of a shit-storm.

So, as I sit in the waiting room with Zehn, the reality of this week starts to set in, of course waiting for the most opportune time of weakness to attack (checking your child for possible cancer). Awesome. Thank you erratic emotions.

As I sit in the waiting room feeling my heart begin to race and my breath becoming shallow, I know I have to do something to bring down the blood pressure, and FAST.

Numbness. Works every time. And it did this time too.

So, I can’t help but look around at the receptionist, man in the wheelchair, nurses and people walking hurriedly in the hallway. I wonder if any of them are experiencing the same degree of pain and broken dreams and yet holding it together knowing that if they let go, it’s over. When the flood gate is open there is no “putting a cork in the bottle”.

My mind and body seem to be on auto-pilot at this point, working together still somehow, but with no assistance from me. My mind wanders to the last time I felt this type of out-of-body experience. I can only remember experiencing it once. It was after leaving the hospital empty handed when I was supposed to be bringing home my 2nd child, Dominic.

We had gone to the mall to buy me a “souvenir” (or maybe more politically correct, a “tangible memory”) of my pregnancy and child that I would never see grow into a man. I can remember feeling very foreign in my body and wondering how anyone could be walking and smiling. After all, my world had come to a screeching halt. As we searched for the bracelet that was just perfect for engraving his name and birthday, I remember wondering if anyone, or everyone knew about the perfect storm raging in my soul.

Here I am, having it again. At least we are in the hospital so if I loose my breath and can’t recover it someone can help me find it. This seems like a viable possibility at this moment. I feel sick. I look around for the nearest bathroom because I can feel my lunch working its way up. I have already thrown up 3 times today. Then I remember I didn’t eat lunch, or breakfast, or anything yesterday either. What on earth could be making its way up my esophagus screaming to get out?

Poisonous hate, lies, betrayal, a brain disease, possible cancer, and shattered dreams. That’ll do it.

The doctor calls us back. I feel myself walking down the hallway and into the room. I am holding Zehn’s hand so I know he is close. But I can’t see or hear a thing. We sit in the chairs waiting for the doctor to come in. He enters the room. He is nice. Until his face changes. He doesn’t have to say a word, I want to throw him against the wall and say “I dare you to give me bad news right now”. Obviously he does not read my mind. He tells us that he is concerned. He wants to do a biopsy and because of Zehn’s age it will have to be done in the O.R. under anesthetic. He tells us that they will have to remove the nail and cut out a piece of the skin under Zehn’s cuticle.

Here comes my lunch. I say ok….ok….OK!!!! I need the doctor to leave the room and do it FAST. I can see Zehn doesn’t understand everything, but he understands enough to be loosing the color in his face as well. His poor little chest starts to move a little faster and he starts to breathe a little deeper. I can see him trying to be brave. If he can be brave then I HAVE to. There is no question about this, but making this a reality is a whole other story. I have stopped listening to the doctor and start pleading with God to give me anything to deal with this moment, including making the doctor leave.

God did both. The doctor left and I turned to Zehn and asked him if he understood. He said he did and that his throat was making him feel like he needed to throw up. What a pair we were. I grabbed the garbage can just in case. How do you hold your children and tell them everything is going to be OK, when you are pretty sure that things are NOT going to be OK? In fact things at this moment are as far from OK as they have been in a year.

I turn to him, kiss him on the nose and say “baby, things are going to be OK”. And I mean it. I don’t know where the words came from, but when they left my mouth they were authentic. Maybe I ate a demon, or an angel. Eating anything at this point would be a good idea. No matter, because I said it and I meant it. I watch as the worry and stress melt off his face.

The doctor comes back in and gives us the name of the primary children’s doctor we need to contact for the surgery. I say thank you.....thank you???  HA!  I put on my sunglasses, signaling I am ready to leave.  I don't care if the appointment is done, because I am.  And with that, I crack. Silent tears streaming down my face as we walk out of the office, down the long cooridor of the hospital and into the car.   My one goal is to make damn sure that Zehn does not see these tears.  I am soooooo thankful I brought in my sunglasses. As I drive to our house feeling the numbness wearing off like the ice in a doomed popsicle in the hot summer sun, I look into the rear-view mirror and see a smile on Zehn’s face. A small victory, but a victory none-the-less. At least for the moment, Zehn is not worried or scared.

Once home, I set him up with a loud distraction and walk to the bathroom. After throwing up once again, regaining the breaths I held so firmly as we drove, and wiping the mascara from my eyes, I am ready for the day…… again.

One day at a time……..not just for AA……..


7-11

Today the cashier at 7-11 bid me farewell by wishing me to "have a great day".  Oh, Mr. 7-11 man, I know your intent was all well and good, but I have never wanted to spit on someone so bad. 

My 2 Little Band-aids


When life gets tough, I can't help but remember my blessings.  I have 2 little band-aids that can ease the pain of a broken heart.  I am lucky to be their mommy.  It is hard not to feel at least a fair amount of release and joy when I look at the light in their eyes and the joy in their souls.  Thank you Zehn and Sasha for giving me a reason to continue fighting.

Example #1

Yesterday Zehn brought home a paper from school for the Reflections contest.  We were discussing what it was all about and brainstorming ideas for his submission.  This year's theme is "Beauty is......".  Zehn told me that he didn't understand what that meant.  I told him that he was supposed to think about what was beautiful to him.  I asked him what he thought was beautiful.  He looked at me and without hesitation said "You mommy......."
My heart melted and his words took my breath away.  Those words put a little band-aid on my heart.

Example #2

It took all my strength to go through the nightly routine of feeding, bathing, and reading to the kids.  Thank goodness I have such amazing friends as Tiff brought us some homemade chicken noodle soup so my kids didn't eat goldfish crackers for dinner 2 nights in a row.  As I was getting them out of the bath, I apologized for being such a bad mommy 2 days in a row.  I promised them I would do the laundry and the dishes tomorrow.  Zehn turned to me and said "Mom, the laundry doesn't need to be done for you to be a good mommy".  And I realized that he is right.

Example #3

As I was rocking Sasha and singing to her before bedtime, she started stroking my face and saying "pretty mommy.....pretty mommy".  As if this wasn't enough, she said "Shhh mommy, my sing".  I stopped singing to her, to let her do the singing.  She kept stroking my face and began singing "oh mommy I wuv you.....oh mommy I wuv you"

Magic!
Thank you God, for giving me 2 little band-aids.








Monday, October 19, 2009

When Life Happens.


What do you do, when life runs away?  What about the moment you realize that you TRULY have no control.  How do you cope.  This is a scary moment of reality, as you watch the people around you virtually scooping up your life into a bag of experiences you may or may not have asked for.

I try to be positive.  I try to see every opportunity as one with faith.  I believe in growth and experiences that foster that.  However, what if you want to cash in your sick pay on the "growth meter" .  I am frantically looking for the pause button, but I think someone stole it.  Maybe it got stolen back when my innocence was stolen.  Maybe i misplaced it.  If only it were that simple.

So, the question is, is loss of innocence and faith good, or bad, or does it even matter????  I don't ever want to be a cold, bitter, angry, regretfull person.  However, it seems that life wants to test that statement all too often.  I'm not quite sure how much lemonade I need, but the fridge is full.

Thank you life, please offer someone else some lemonade now.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Reason For Sasha's Bottle-Break-Away......


The proof is in print....... I dare you to challenge me on this one......  addiction sucks... for the addict and the family of...... (test me on this...I dare you.)

Our New Set-up.....






With winter right around the corner, we decided we needed to take swift action in our home if any of us were going to be able to survive the couped up months.  We turned a small area into our living room into a "kid zone" equipt with toys, a couch (made from a crib mattress and pillows), a TV, some video games (sure to give any 1977 games a good run, based on the fact that I despise video games), and a hardwood floor for injuries and oil wrestling (minus the oil wrestling.....it just sounded fun).  Good Luck winter.... you have met your match. (or something like that........)

The Newest 2 Members of our Family



When I was in school, I don't remember being sent home with 2 live caterpillars, but apparently school is not what it used to be.   Today, Zehn came home with 2 live caterpillars that we are suppose to nurture and turn into butterflies.  So far, I have killed 3 fish, sent away one dog, one cat and barely fed my children......  Good luck Butterflies.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

TIME TO PLAY CATCH UP

After my USB connector broke and I have been unable to transfer pictures from my camera to my computer, I realized that Facebook is probably not the most practical way for me to share pictures any longer as I have over 300 new pics from the past month or so.  I am going to attempt to play catch up with this blog starting from the beginning of 2009.  This year has been absolutely amazing and I want to have a chronicle to be able to look back on not only for myself, but my family and friends as well.

I am still fairly new to the blog world (although I did set up a scrapbook blog in about 48 hours) so bear with me while I figure this out.  I am hoping that I can back-date posts and give stories along with the photos. 

Stay tuned.  Here goes nothing.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Family Day at Wheeler Farm




Our Family is crazy......   we yell and we say a lot of swear words.... but we love each other harder than 90% of families I know.  Thanks Guys.  You are my sanctuary...... we have been to hell and back and we are stronger than steel.    Nothing can break us.  I love you.  All three of you.  Tantrums and all (yes, J, that includes you)

JJ and Sasha.  These 2 are BFF's


Oh, ya know...... just chillin.......


I want one...... (enough said)


The ducks that thought they were flamingos (notice they are all standing on one foot.....)


Zehn thought he should ride in the stroller, JJ didn't........   guess who won.....


I have the cutest kids on earth..... challenge me....  I dare you.


Yeah, that's right.... my kid's are on the pot........


 Whatcha doin kids?!?!?!?!?!
 
Picture # 3 before the goose....


Picture # 2 before the goose.....


Picture #1 before the goose......


THE GOOSE......(almost took sasha's hand)


LOOK DAD!!!!!!!  I still have both hands...... (even though those 2 moms walking past us couldn't stop laughing because you swallowed your weight in air when the goose snapped at me,......)


This is my world now.......


Where we going brother........?????????
 
We are outttttta here sis....


.............as long as we have candy....


AND a rodent ( a ferret, which Sash HATED, BTW)


Da pumpkin patch


Sasha's pumpkin


Zehn's pumpkin


Camera wars with dad.......

We traded in some goods for this video camera..... Sash was getting too old, and too cute, and too mouthy for us to miss the moment.  Grandma and Grandpa Johnson have given us too much to miss out on Sasha's precious moments.  We are ready.......set.......GO.

My babies.....


My family.