So I have taken every precaution to make sure that I handled this situation with as much grace as humanly possible and feel like so far have been doing a pretty good job.
1 - I turned off my phone, put it in a box and sent it to my parents house to be mailed back to me when I was strong enough to turn it on again. ( I tend to send very angry, vicious texts when I am hurting....and I am hurting....bad). I felt like this was a good move. (notice I even wrote some inspirational words on the back of the package to remind me when I get it in the mail) I love mail!!!!
2 - I joined a gym and have been to some very intense cardio dance classes including kickboxing, Zumba, and Hip Hop at least once a day, but am not afraid to go twice or three times if the moment calls for it. (plus it will give me a rockin bathing suit body just in time for snowpants).
3- I broke down and went to the doctor and got on meds.
4 - I have started reconnecting with old friends who are not quite the bandaids my kids, but have put a great deal of neosporin on my owies..... I feel them starting to heal.
However, I am now finding myself at the point in the greiving process where I am past my selfish anger and now want him to feel the pain. And I mean FEEL THE PAIN. I have a MySpace account that I have not used in over a year, as I am now a Facebook junkie. However, I know he uses it on a daily basis. I have found myself logging on the past couple days and making "posts" that if he just so happened to read, might stir up some anxiety in him the way I am suffocating in anxiety.
My posts have started to get meaner and meaner. Today I decided to take the high road. I am not a mean person, and I do not have to make him hurt in order for me to heal (although I'm not gonna lie, it does bring a fair amount of pleasure). I am better than this and the only way for me to heal is through LOVE. Hateful, hurtful posts do not fall under that category.
Since I have little self control (thus the phone sitting in a box in heber waiting to be mailed back) I made the decision........
5 - MySpace has to go.
I did it, and I feel great. One step at a time.
Now I'm going to kickboxing.
Thank you all for your support and willingness to hold my heart in your hands as I work through this chapter of my life. I love you.
3 years ago