And those who were seen dancing, were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

~Nietzsche~

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Halloween (better late than never)


So I know this post is very outdated, but life has been crazy.  I just wanted to catch everyone up on our "normal" ? life over the past month.


Halloween started out with Zehn's pumpkin slowly dying (just one of the casualties in our home this month)  We had 4 other pumpkins from the pumpkin patch, but never got around to doing anything with them due to the chaos of the month.  We kept Mr. Pumpkin face as long as we could, then he made the sad trip to the garbage.

The festivities started out with Zehn, who refused to commit to a Halloween costume.  He just plain was not interested.  We discussed it many times and looked through some at the stores, he just did not care to dress up.  Well, after I sent him to school (costumeless) for the parade, I panicked, fearing once he showed up and was the only kid without a costume he would be upset.  I grabbed a cowboy hat and ran it to the school only to find him happily holding the sign in front of his classroom.  He didn't seem to notice or care that he was the only one not in costume.  I begged him to at least wear the cowboy hat, and he finally complied.

Next, it was off to Sasha's school where she was dressed as Pippy Longstocking.  She was very excited, as you can see here about the pumpkins and just being at school with her "friends" as she is every day.

Stage 2 of Halloween was at Tiff's house.  We had a great halloween party and after searching the boxes, found both Sasha and Zehn's old costumes from last year.  At least mom was satisfied.  Again, I don't think either one of them cared at all.  Zehn was a  muscle man, Sasha a spider.

Jaden and Zehn getting ready for trick or treating.  Isn't her cowgirl costume cute.  I hear that Tiff had some issues with her not wanting to wear it either.   What's wrong with kids and Halloween now days?  They sure did look cute though.

My costume for everything that requires a costume for the past 6 years (toned down a bit this year)  a wig and boa.  Can never go wrong.

Back from Trick-or-Treating and Sasha found Kelly's wig.  She apparently was not done dressing up for the night and thought she was some hot stuff.  Then she decided to share the wig with her mom......


Boo Ya - Mom working the new kickboxing skills with the wig.  There really is nothing that can even be said about this photo except, WOW.

So, that was our Halloween.  It was fun and I think the kids had a great time.  The only exception would be when a "statue" on one of the porches came alive behind Sasha and scared the *beep* out of her.  The rest of the night she kept pointing at anything dressed in black and saying "HOLY MOLY".  All in all, it was a success.  Good Times
 

Saturday, November 21, 2009

New Moon


"A new moon signifies new beginnings, a time to release old habits, patterns, projects and anything that no longer serves us – and to begin something new, with a new vision and a clear focus. "



I love how the universe brings us exactly what we need when we need it.  I was cleaning out my junk email and a subject line caught my eye.  It read "Has anyone else been experiencing some INTENSE emotions lately?"  Usually I just clear out my junk mail in bulk, but for some reason I actually opened it and saw this email.  I clicked on it and what I read was extremely shocking.  I have heard all the hype of the NEW MOON as the release of this movie was only yesterday.  Somewhere in the hype got lost the REAL new moon which took place on Monday of this week.  As I read, this article shot chills through my body and it gave me more insight and strength into my situation.  The opening quote of this blog is from the article I found in my junk mail.  Junk?  I think not! I plan to spend the day doing some research on the astrological New Moon (if I can weed through the movie hype).  Thank you universe (and the inspiration to open my junk mail today)  this truly is a time for change and letting go of things no longer useful to me in my life.




Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Updates

I am aware that updates are in order....... but I'm soooooo busy and tired (and that is a great thing).  I will update soon.......

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Water Bottle

So, it looks like a simple normal water bottle, right?  Well this water bottle has been the source of so much conflict between my kids I lost my head today as they fought over it for the 100000000th time again.
Ok, so let me back up.  The day started out as normal.  Breakfast, Barney, and fresh juice from the juicer (yes, I am diligently trying to wean myself off of my coffee addiction).  Tiff called at 10 am to remind me of the hip hop class we had agreed to go to at 11.  I got the kids ready and out the door in 1/2 hour (which is no small feat you will know if you have 2 wild animals for children).

We got the the gym and were absolutely ridiculously horrible at our ...um "hip hop dance" class.  Ha ha ha ha.  If you can even call what we were doing dance.  There was a point that I turned to her and said as long as we keep jumping, maybe no one will notice we don't know what we are doing.  No matter, it was great fun and I couldn't imagine a better saturday morning than making an ass out of myself with Tiff.

After a nice relaxing sit in the hot tub, we decided we better get on with our day.  I went to the Kids Club to pick up Sasha and Zehn (who absolutely love going to the gym, and Sasha asks multiple times a day....."gym???")  They came when I called them which is rare, so I'm not quite sure where this next part of uncontrollable aggression came from.

Yes I am......  the water bottle.  This damn water bottle.  You would think I would just buy them each their own, but no, I have not up to this point, been that smart.   So, anyway as I was helping Sasha get her shoes on they spotted it in my gym bag.  Zehn grabbed it and immediately Sasha reached for it and started whining.  Well of course, Zehn wasn't handing it over.  I could see the situation escalating and went from 0 - 100 irritated because we have had the "fighting over this very water bottle" talk 100 times.

I snatched the bottle out of Sasha's hands (who had somehow won the fight for the moment).  As I lectured them on how annoying and tiresome this battle had become, in a moment of "mommy glory", I turned to Zehn first, aimed the bottle at his face and squirted.  Then I turned to Sasha and did the same thing.

Awesome.  Mom of the year.  Both my kids were now crying and wet as I was preparing to take them into the blizzard snowstorm outside.  Tiffany was laughing in horror and the girl sitting at the Kid's Care desk looked like she had also been a target of my uncontrolled spur of the moment waterfight.  I wonder if she will ever let us back in there.  We probably now have notes in our chart like Elaine from Seinfield and no one will ever take us again.

But guess what.............  I got the water bottle!!!  I win!!  :)

Friday, November 13, 2009

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES


So, I know my posts lately have been .... um.... less than bright, to put it in a nice way.  This is not me.  Sure, I have my fair share of drama, and most would say enough to cover an entire city, but typically I try to keep a positive attitude.  I have been pulling everything inside of me to continue believing in not only the order of the universe but miracles in general.  Today i got a miracle. 

Today marks a new day, a new song, a new future, a new life, a new happy ending, (and as Julie reminded me....a new moon).  Some of you know what this miracle is, but due to superstition, I am choosing to keep it to myself for the time being.  I don't want it to disappear like Cinderella's ball at midnight.  But I did want to come on here and thank you all for your overwhelming support.  I also want to thank the universe and let everyone know, that as hard as this past month has been, I have been holding on to my faith.  Today i got a miracle.  So, if things don't seem to be going your way......  BELIEVE.......  Miracles happen to people who believe......

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Re-claiming my wings......


Chapter 2 ........

Today WILL be a good day



Love & Light - Jenn

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Wow

I just got the verbal smackdown and GOD BLESS friends that aren't afraid to do it.  However, I've seen your 110 pound body jump in between two huge men to stop a bar fight without a 2nd thought, so you've never been one to sit on the sidelines and watch people self destruct.

I love you Tiff.  Thank you for your honesty.  It is great to have a friend that you trust when you don't trust yourself.  Your are my angel.

P.S. I don't want you to come to kickboxing with me so I can punch you a bit. :)  I just want you to come back to Zumba with me so I'm not the only one that looks like I am having a seizure.

Love you!!!!!

The Cycle

So, I finally broke down and gave in.  JJ and I had the "talk" yesterday.  This is where my mind starts to play tricks on me and my heart thinks it is in control of this operation.  I asked him if I could come over after I got done with the gym.  He said that would be fine, but wondered if I really wanted to come to his house because I HATE HIS HOUSE (for many reasons) and have for years.  Too many bad memories, too many horrible things that happened there.

I agreed and so we decided he would come here.  When I heard the knock on the door my heart skipped a beat.  I opened it and saw him standing there.  He looked scared, like he didn't know if I was going to stab him with a screwdriver or knock him out on the porch.  I honestly had no idea what I was going to do exactly either, but when I saw him, my heart melted.

I stepped onto the porch and wrapped my arms around him and we hugged for about 5 minutes.  The only thing I said to him was "what am I going to do with you"?  He just shook his head and cried.

I invited him is and we sat and talked for close to 4 hours.  I asked him all the questions that have been haunting me for 3 weeks and was satisfied (notice I did not say happy) with his answers.  I felt like at least he was not trying to make excuses for his poor behaviors or even asking to be a part of this family again.  He knew that what he had done was a deal breaker and appeared ready to accept whatever consequences came his way.

I was amazed that my anger seemed to just melt away and I felt so much compassion for this man.  I told him I wished I could hate him forever because it would be so much easier.  But I rarely can hold on to hate and anger longer than a few weeks at most.  It just is not me.  I told him that I forgive him, but I do not trust him and don't know if I will ever trust him again.  He said he didn't blame me and he would be worried if I opened my arms back up to him immediately after his huge mistake. 

The remarkable thing about our conversation is that as we spoke it was the song of my heart.  I had not planned a single word that I was going to say, so when I heard myself tell him I forgave him, I wondered if I was going to regret that one later.   But I don't regret saying it, nor do I feel like it was a premature thing to say.  I do forgive him.  I do not excuse him, or trust him.  But as crazy as you all probably think I am......I forgive him.

The majority of the 4 hours we spent together was me getting things off my chest, and although he did apologize, he told me that saying "i'm sorry" could never erase what he had done or the hurt that he had caused me.  I agreed.  I called him a bastard many times and asked him "why".  He said he didn't have an answer.

After 4 hours of "processing"  I was exhausted to the core.  I could barely keep my eyes open and told him I needed to take a nap and take some time to think about the things we had just discussed.  We hugged, said goodbye and made no decisions about the future other than the fact that Sasha and Zehn were always to be the priority in our decision making.

Later that evening about 5:30, Zehn's dad bailed out again on picking him up for his day.  JJ and Zo are both on the Monday, Wednesday schedule although Zo seems more to be on whatever the hell schedule he wants to be on.  When I was the one that showed up to pick up Zehn from school, he asked where his dad was.  I told him he had to work.  Zehn said "why do our dads keep making bad decisions?"  He was very sad, old enough to understand his dad continues choosing work and other over him.

He was sort of kicking leaves as he walked and said "I really miss Sasha.  How can we help JJ make better decisions so he can be part of our family again?"  My heart broke again for this innocent little man who not only wrote off his own dad when he didn't show up, but wanted to help his sister's dad in anyway so we could have him be part of the family again.  I said "I don't know that we can baby.  People have to make their own choices in life and that is why it is so important for you to make good ones." 

These conversations are becoming very very draining as it seems like I am having to have major life lesson conversation with him many times throughout the day.  Things a 7 year old should not have to be worrying about.  However, at least I am the one that gets to do it..........I guess.  But it is hard explaining grown up problems to a child.  I don't lie to my children, so finding age appropriate explanations are becoming harder and harder.

We got home and I started making dinner.  He mentioned again how much he missed his sister and he really wished that he could see her.   Now, this is where I am not sure if my decisions turned from good to bad, but in light of the events of the whole day which included not seeing sasha for 4 days, making peace with JJ, Zo bailing out on Zehn, and me being completely broken down mentally and physically again, I sent JJ an text and invited them over for a bit.  He said ok.

When the doorbell rang, you would have thought it was christmas.  Sasha and Zehn were laughing and hugging and rolling around and jumping on the couch and smiling and happier than I have seen either one of them in a while.  Zehn ran to JJ and gave him a huge hug and said "I have missed you SO much".  I looked at JJ and he looked like he wanted to cry.  Zehn must have told him 5 different times throughout the night how much he had missed him.  He also must have showed JJ every toy, trick and invention he could think of (even though I am sure that JJ has seen them all multiple times).

I knew that Zehn had been missing him, but it was not apparent until that moment just how much he really cared for JJ.  After all, JJ has been there for more of his life than his own father, as we started dating when Zehn was only 3.  This was a bittersweet sight because I am still pretty set on not allowing JJ back into our lives in the way he has been in the past.

Sasha, also was noticibly more excited.  She kept running around saying "daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy", like she couldn't believe she had us both in one room again.  These kids had more energy than if they ate 100 sugar cubes and were smiling from ear to ear. To see pure joy in my kids again was again, very bittersweet.

So now what...... this is were the cycle always continues and what I had feared most about even seeing him ever again.  Although I knew that was not a possibility due to the fact that we have a child together.  How do I look the man I love in the eyes and tell him essentially he is not good enough for our family.  This has been the question haunting me for 3 weeks.  I was feeling about as strong as I could be yesterday and still couldn't say it.  All I could say to him was that I didn't know if I would ever trust him again and without trust, you have no relationship.

So, I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing.  Breathing, going to the gym, being a mom, trying to be strong enough to keep JJ at an arms length since I have been so adament that that is what needs to happen this time.  But the mind is a tricky tricky thing and already I am wondering if that is really the best thing in the long run.......

One of the toys Zehn was teaching JJ to make last night was one of the "fortune toys"  Remember the ones we used to make in school that you write questions and answers on then use your 4 fingers to count out the correct number until you open it up to your fortune.  Maybe I will have him make me a fortune toy for my life.  This would all be so much easier if i could count out on a piece of paper what the future will bring.....

Monday, November 9, 2009

Failed..

Gonna cave......  I miss him too much.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Miracles

God Bless Miracles...... you know who you are..........

Ha Ha Life!!!

I made 3 separate "play dates" today with 3 sets of people that I haven't seen in some time. They are some of my favorite people in this world, so I was looking forward to our play dates.

As luck would have it at this phase in my life, the phone I have been using got dropped while I was raking leaves and broke. Hahahahahaha. Not too big of a deal because I have been using our alternate number to block JJ's calls and avoid seeing or sending any hurtful text messages. Well, it has been 3 weeks now and I should be able to go back to my original phone and control myself, right?

The phone is in Heber being babysat by Grandma and Grandpa right now so I thought I would take a nice sunday drive up to retrieve my lonely abandoned phone. I grabbed my purse and checked my wallet for my bank card knowing I would need to get gas..........No Card.

Thank you Sasha.. I am sure she has hidden it somewhere as this is one of her favorite 'tricks' to play on Mommy. Although since she is with J, I can't ask her to show me where it is this time.

So..... no card.....no gas.....no trip to heber.....no phone.....no playdates :(

Sarah, Robb, Melissa and Natalie........ come to me baby. I can't even call or communicate with any of you to let you know what's going on.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

For some reason, this is absolutely hilarious to me and I am laughing out loud as I type this. Sorry guys. Obviously my sense of humor has found it's way back home. I hope none of you get your feelings hurt too bad when I don't answer any of your calls or texts. LMAO.

If you do happen to read this, or anyone else for that matter.......come on over.  I'm cooking a yummy roast for dinner and obviously won't be going anywhere.  

P.S.  God totally has a sense of humor.    

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Goals........

I am mad I sold my guitar..... I am going to buy a new one tomorrow.....

Apologize????

I know it's old, but so fits my life...... (plus, I'm old)

Tiffany my angel

Today was a good day..... and it started out with a jolting phone call from Tiff when I had planned to sleep the day away in despair.

The conversation went something like this:

Tiff: "Get up"
Me: "I'm sleeping"
Tiff; "I've had an epiphiny from Tiffany
Me: "Are you drunk"
Tiff: "No.... you have refused to label JJ as your boyfriend all summer. You have told us all that you are not in a "relationship" with him, when we all could see that you were.... why do you think that is......"
Me: "????????"
Tiff: "Because you KNEW this was coming..... you KNEW he was going to screw it up, so stop feeling sorry for yourself...get out of bed, and you have a hip hop class to be to in 1 hour.
Me: "I haven't had coffee yet, you better slow yourself down girlfriend...."
Tiff: "You better go make yourself some coffee and get your ass to hip hop"


Have i ever told you how much I love this girl????

She is my soul sista!!!! You are my angel TIff!!!!

Friday, November 6, 2009

My Girl

So, it's JJ's weekend with Sasha, which means I won't see her until Tuesday due to the way our days/weekends worked last year.  We haven't kept track of days or weekends for close to 8 months because most days we spent as a family, the 4 of us.

It is only 7PM and I am sick.  I miss my girl so bad, which in turn makes me miss the life I had become so accustomed to over the summer and had fallen very much in love with.

I just got back from the gym hoping it would be the distraction/release of anxiety needed to get me through the night.  However, it's not looking good considering we have not even been home an hour and as I write this, tears are rolling down my cheeks.

I don't feel strong enough for this.  Not today.  I keep trying to chalk it up to a bad day, but in reality i know it is because I have begun mourning the death of a marriage of hearts.  I am lost.... and starting to think that this is going to break me.

Please send positive energy.........my broken heart is loosing the will to keep beating and every breath I take reminds me that I am still alive, but in an alternate universe.  Today is the hardest day to date.


Breathe....

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Morning Texts

I miss waking up to text messages in the morning.  :(

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Waiting for the rain


I can't wait until it rains again....  I am dying to dance in the rain.

.
(and no, for those of you who are wondering, this is not a picture of me.... it is just a picture I absolutely love because it represents freedom and naked cleansing of the soul...... isn't it beautiful!)

Today I have had a flood of emotions.  Not prepared for any of them, but I'm starting to think that my present life consists of blindsided emotional moments.... "tests" so to speak.  I am wearing them the best I can and making the most of each opportunity as it comes into my life.  Although I am feeling week today, overall I feel stronger every day.

However, I need to thank a special someone for making yesterday unexpectedly fantastic.  You were just the medicine I needed.  Good Friends are Gold.  I love all of you.  Especially the ones that read in the shower.  :) 



The Butterflies are Born


A couple weeks ago, Zehn's teacher sent home 2 live caterpillars that if we cared for properly were supposed to turn into butterflies.  I was skeptical and frankly was not too happy that his teacher sent these home for me to be in charge of (yes, I know I am a grinch).  Anyway, much to our surprise.  They did exactly what they were supposed to do.

I was home alone when the first one was born.  I almost had a heart attack and called my mom at work for help.  Luckily she had a school teacher standing right there when I called who has done the butterfly experiment in her classroom.  My mom handed over the phone and she walked me through what to do....  which turned out to be absolutely nothing.  HAHAHAHa.  (except I did poke the butterfly with a pen to see if it was alive). 

Anyway, they both hatched and the kids were so excited.  Me, not so much because now I had to find a way to keep them alive.......................Well,

I failed....................



The butterflies didn't make it.   Zehn wants to keep one for a souviner.   I told him we could have a funeral in the yard.  These butterflies were doomed from the beginning anyway..... what teacher hatches butterflies in November anyway?????

 We are 0 for 2 right now.  The butterflies kicked the bucket and the jumping beans jumped away.  Z's teacher and I will be fighting if she sends home any more live experiments.

Back Posts

I know that a few weeks ago I made the claim that I was going to start back posting pictures and stories from this summer because this year had been the best year I have possibly had in a decade.  Well, in light of the situation as it has unfolded, i am not strong enough to go back through all those pictures and memories yet.  I think my time is best used "posting forward".  It is important for me to heal my body, mind and spirit through this life challenge.

I started with my body by taking some very very intense dance classes.  My body is always the last thing I take care of so I thought I would try something different this time.  It appears to be working well.  However, I find today is tough.  I am having emotions and feelings I was not wanting to feel even though I know they are part of the healing process.  I don't want to go to the gym, but feel like today more than any other it is probably important for me to go.

I am healing my mind by using my writing and words to quiet the noise.  It also has been working very well.  But again, today I am restless and feeling the void louder than I have the past 2 weeks.

So, I am moving to the next step... spirit.  My definition of spirit is more diverse and nontraditional than many I have grown up with.  My spirit is strong and I have a very intense spirituality.  The way I am going to feed my spirit right now is to focus on feeding positive energy back into the world.  I have another blog that I have not published yet that I am using for positive messages, quotes, and simple pleasures.  Although these other blogs are giving me a great deal of release and healing power, I am ready to take it to the next level.

So.... all this rambling does have a purpose.  Some of you know my goal and I have spoken with you about my "project" for over a year now.  I feel like the time is right for this "project" to be born. 

I need your help.  I need you to send me your favorite, most inspirational quotes, thoughts or anything that makes you smile in your heart.  This can be something that is inspiring, thought provoking or just plain happy.  I have a vision and am going to start building this for not only my spirit, but others. 

You can send me this info to my email
jenn.k.loves@gmail.com

I will give credit where credit is due as I build my new blog.  If you don't want me to use your name, please let me know that when you send me your info.  Thanks everyone for your help and support.  I can't believe the outpouring of love that has been handed to me these past 2 weeks. 

Monday, November 2, 2009

My Day

I had a fabulous day today, and I wanted the world to know.



Love - Jenn

Silver Sneakers.......

Stay tuned for the adventure of the morning.....  it's absolutely freakin hilarious (or at least we thought so... and we are the funniest girls on the planet)  I wonder how it's always Tiff and I that end up in these situations.

I love you Tiff-a-hiti.

You's my ninja

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Our First Snow






How much fun is snow.  Especially when Grandma Johnson gives you sweet rain boots that double as snow boots.  I love this first picture because Sasha is catching snowflakes on her tongue.  I love having her home with me on Tue and Thur.  I am working towards 5 days a week.  I love this girl. She is my mini me and we dance all day when we are home together.  I love you Sasha.  You and your brother give me a purpose to life and I can't imagine life without you. 

I love you - Mommy.

Nobody seems to care.........

Yes, JJ, this is our song..... you know the one.....  this is the one that we have had the most intimitate moments listening to.  Well,  I am listening to it right now.  I am listening to it and am terrified of the feelings it would flood through my body, but you know what.....

This is amazing....  I realized that every second......Every second.  Every intimate moment.  Every kiss.  Every giggle.  Every secret.  Every word.  Every breath I gave you was real.  I gave you everything.  And this gives me peace.  I am broken that we didn't share the same intensity or level of honesty, but I am at peace with the fact that every last word, promise and breath you were given from me was real.  It was my gift to you.  My love for you was something that I felt so strongly about that I was willing to put myself in a place of total vulnerability to make it happen.

It is devastating that the story ended this way because I wanted to save those moments for someone who apprecieated them to the fullest, but I can sleep at night because I know that I gave you everything.......EVERYTHING.

I love you,  I always will, but I love the fact that I love myself enough to walk away from someone who doesn't appreciate the magic in my soul.  I am made of magical things and if you don't see that, then I must walk away.  And I do it with peace, and pride.

Thank you for the wonderful times.  Thank you for the memories we have shared.  Thank you for the beautiful daughter that you have given me.  I am sad that you could not give me yourself, but I am at peace because I gave you me.   All of me.  And the best part is I still have all of me to give to someone who will appreciate it for what it is.  And I am ready  to move on to that stage of my life.  I may need some time to lick my wounds, but someone very lucky is just about to share the love of their life with me and my beautiful family.

Again, I love you.  I hope you can learn to love yourself the way that I love you.


And guess what.......  "nobody seems to care" is a hell of a song, but a crock of shit, because JJ...... everyone seems to care.....  I hope you can find that in your heart.