And those who were seen dancing, were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

~Nietzsche~

Sunday, December 27, 2009

The Funeral

So, with all the new Christmas toys I decided to dis-infect all the others.

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!

The stuffed animals didn't get a break either.............



However............ one didn't make it out alive...........

So, we had a funeral............
 
Love you Teddy..........Sorry  your guts fell out in the washer!


Friday, December 18, 2009

Happy Merry-Chris-Mouse-Turkey-Giving-Pizza Holiday



So, the holidays are here.  No denying that.  I have accepted and mostly embraced this with the exception of the fact that I have not done any holiday shopping.  The early bird gets the worm?  The not-so-early bird gets the mouse, i suppose.

2 weeks ago, my sweet friend Tiff brought us some X-mas gifts and all the fixins for a X-mas dinner due to the fact that I was not sure how I was going to be able to afford anything for the holiday this year.  Bless her heart.  She is (once again) my angel.  Well, I didn't have room in my freezer for the turkey so I put in the fridge and had planned to cook it last weekend for my birthday.  Due to a chain of events I did not forsee (as always), this did not happen as planned.

The turkey thawed in the fridge for 4 days and has been there ever since.  Today would be day 8 thawed - 12 total.  After checking the internet, the general consensus was cook a turkey no more than 5 days after thawing in the fridge (9 including thaw time).  Well, obviously the math on this one puts this turkey 3+ days overdue.  ***Strike One****


My psuedo mother in law (Sasha's grandma) is in town this weekend until Monday night.  I had planned to cook an early Christmas dinner on Sunday with Grandma Johnson, JJ, Zehn, Sasha and I.  Because I had the turkey in the fridge that needed to be cooked, this seemed like the opportune time to use it.  However,  I was slightly hesitant to cook it after so much time had gone by.  I didn't want to send my mother in law home for christmas with food poisoning.

I mindlessly pulled the turkey out of the fridge to smell it (as the all knowing internet suggested).  I couldn't get a good enough smell through the bag, so stupidly I sliced the bag open with the knife.  Simultaneously as I sliced the bag, I realized that regardless of the smell, I was not going to be able to put this turkey back into the fridge once it had been opened.  ***Strike Two***

So, I wrestled with the decision to soak the turkey in brine water overnight and cook an early christmas dinner on saturday or just cook the turkey tonight.  After realizing that I may be cooking a poison turkey either way, I decided just to cook it tonight and gamble on poisoning 2 of us rather than 5 of us.

I started preparing the turkey by pulling the skin back (very gross) and rubbing butter under the skin.  As I was preparing the turkey, I saw something run across the kitchen floor out of the corner of my eyes.  I immedieately stopped what I was doing, wiped the butter on my pants (so rachel ray), crawled on the kitchen table, and screamed for Zehn... (the man of the house).

We discussed the possibility of a mouse behind the oven and what to do.  Poor Zehn, who was more scared than I, but felt it was his manly duty to take care of it, suggested we leave a trail of cheese from the oven to the back door to entice the mouse out of the house.  He also announced that if the cheese didn't work, we would move on to marshmallows because no mouse can resist a marshmallow.  He is very anti-killing.  Even if it is a disease infested rodent, so his solution was to lead it out of the house.




I scaled the wall from the kitchen table and moved to a different room to let Zehn perform his magic.  When I came back to the kitchen a short while later, one of the cheese pieces closest to the stove was missing.  We decided this meant the mouse had left the house (hahahahaha) and went on with our night.

Not really thinking (DUH!!!) I turned on the oven to cook the turkey......  (mind you, we were now cooking a possible poison turkey).  About 20 minutes into it, Zehn walked into the kitchen and immediately started gagging.  Between choking on his gags he asked me what the horrible smell was.  Now, I am aware that my kids aren't always racing to the dinner table to devour my cooking, but this was a totally different response than I had ever seen from him.  I entered the kitchen and was slapped with the sicking smell of death.

Was the turkey really this poison?  I opened the oven to smell and was welcomed with a mouth watering very delicious aroma.  Whatever the smell of death was, was not coming from inside the oven.  Then I remembered.......... the MOUSE!!!!  We had never actually seen it exit from behind the stove.

GROSSSSSSSS!!!!!!     ***STRIKE THREE****  (You're out!!!!!)

The moment I realized what the smell was, I literally almost threw up in my mouth.  Along with our (possible poison) turkey, we were now cooking a mouse.  I called my mom in a panic.  Wondering what to do......  She (so wise as always :) ) advised me to turn off the oven, throw the turkey away and order pizza.

So, that's what we did.  Thank you Papa John's for providing us with the perfect dinner minus the mouse droppings or poison salmonella.  We love you and are thankful for the greasy calories that will make it difficult to fit into that perfect christmas dress.


After all said and done, I have decided I would much rather clean up a crispy mouse from behind the oven than a fresh squished mouse in a mouse trap.  So there you go..... that is today's lemonade.  Tomorrow I will deal with our "well done" delicasy that found it's final resting place under the stove.

R.I.P MR. Mouse.  I hope your buddies got the picture.



Monday, December 14, 2009

Tomorrow

I received this email from a dear friend of mine and loved it.  Again, something that came at just the time I needed to read it.  I forwarded it to everyone in my address book (even though I rarely forward emails, this one was too good to pass up).  However there are so many people who read my blog that I don't have an email address for.  I wanted to share.  Hope you enjoy.




One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore". No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say"I love you."

So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick.. This is true for marriage.....And old cars... And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a sister-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special.. And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way... Now it's your turn to send this to all those people who are "keepers" in your life, including the person who sent it, if you feel that way..  Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?

I was thinking....I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.

Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile
can do.  And just in case I'm gone tomorrow.

I LOVE YOU!!!

Live today because tomorrow is not promised.. 



Love - Jenn

Monday, December 7, 2009

Hip Hop Christmas



Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Betcha didn't know our family was so talented, did ya???  Happy Holidays everyone!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Christmas Spirit has come to the Klimowicz-Johnson house

As most of you know, the past couple months have been an emotional roller coaster for our family.  I have been dreading the holiday season and "Christmas Cheer" among other things.  However, the season is upon us and I can ignore it no longer.  JJ and I had a long talk about how important it is for the kids to get to fully experience their childhood and this holiday season regardless of what is going on in our adult life.  We debated back and forth if it was a good idea to take on Christmas together or start splitting time and holidays right away.  We came to the conclusion that if we can get along, it is better for the kids for us to all be together.  Here goes nothing.....

Phase 1  - The Backyard Blowup


The decorations started with Santa and the Polar Bear  This happened almost by accident and was very spontaneous.  It was starting to snow and i remembered from last year that it was impossible to put these bad boys up once the snow was already on the ground.  So, I reluctantly pulled out the decorations and set to add some festivities to our backyard.  I decided on the back yard rather than the front because we live on a very busy street and would virtually never see them if they were posted up in the front yard.  This Christmas is all about the kids, so I wanted them to enjoy the toys.  Sasha wasn't quite sure what to think when she first saw them.  She kept peeking around the corner out the back door/window and giggling.  She kept saying "Whas he doing?"
 
Phase 2 - The Jellyfish Dance

The "jellyfish" dance.  I don't know if this is some weird ritual or a new tradition Zehn is starting for decoration day.  However, it was quite funny and you can see Sasha in the background joining in the fun.  She isn't quite as into the dance as Zehn though.
 

Phase 3 - Decorating the Tree



Zehn was in charge of taking things out of boxes.  At least until the excitement overwhelmed him, at which point JJ took over that duty and Zehn just ran around as if he had lost his mind.  It was so fun to watch how excited the kids were tonight. 

Sasha didn't wait for the ornaments.  She promptly found her sticker book and started decorating the tree with stickers.  Beautiful work Sash!


Zehn was very particular about how these ornaments and decorations looked on the tree.  I fear he may have some of his mother's OCD.  Sorry kiddo.


I thought this was a sweet picture.  Sasha really didn't care about me at all the entire night.  She kept going to her dad for help and guideance.  This solidified that it was a good idea for us to pull together for them tonight.  They couldn't have been happier.  And that makes me happy.


Our "happy" little tree.  Decorated almost 100% by the kids.  As it should be.  Now we have to find something to put under and around it.......


I love this picture.  Sasha looks like an angel in the middle of a glowing heaven.


Finished product and happy faces.  I would say the night was a success.

Phase 4 - Playing in the snow with Santa
 

The night would not be complete without a family picture with our 2 newest family members.


And of course...... Zehn in his shorts snuggling up to Santa.  I think he is trying to suck up for the Wii gaming system he wants this year.  Good Luck on that one kiddo.

Overall this night turned out very pleasant.  I was happily surprised and glad that we decided to do this.  Ok, Christmas...... this mom is ready....... bring it on.



Saturday, December 5, 2009

Sneaky Sasha

So, with all the transitions in our house over the past couple months, bedtime was one of the first to go out the window.  This is really sad because we had broken Sasha of the bottle habit and both kids were very good about being in bed at 8, 8:30 at the latest.  However, as I fell apart, so did bedtime routines.  Sash is back on the bottle and bedtime is pretty much whenever they pass out.  Bad Mom.

Well, as I try to piece our life back together, the time has come to un-learn these bad habits and re-teach my kids a good bedtime routine.  I thought we were doing pretty well the other night.  I put the kids to bed and only got struggles until 9:00. (which is a miracle right now)  The house was quiet and I assumed they were asleep so I crawled in my bed to do the same.

I got up around 10:00 to get a drink from the kitchen and as I walked back to my bedroom I noticed the rocking chair in the dark rocking itself.  I looked a little closer and noticed Sasha sitting quietly in the rocking chair with a stack of books in her lap.

So i grabbed the camera and captured the moment.... BUSTED!!!


Who knows how long she had been there reading quietly in the dark, but how can you get mad at something like that.  She thought she was in so much trouble.  Just look at the fear in her face.  :)  We sat down and read together for about 20 minutes and then she went to bed quietly for the night.

My kids may get in trouble for a variety of things, but reading will never be one of them.  Good Sneaky Sash.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Zehn Says..... IMAGINE.....



Today when Zehn got home from school he ran in and excitedly asked me if he could go back to meet 3 girls at the flagpole (oh man....) because they were going to build a time machine.  I walked back across the street to meet the girls and make sure that things were ok with this adventure.

As I suspected, even though the kids had great plans of building the time machine right then, the parents had different plans and that included taking the kids home for the day.  So, the 3 girls and Zehn formed a plan to meet up tomorrow morning to start planning the best time machine ever.  One girl took charge and assigned Zehn the task of finding metal.  (I'm not sure that I am going to send him to school with a backpack of metal tomorrow though..... this time machine may have to be built out of plastic).

Anyhow, when we got home Zehn said to me "Mom, imagination is SOOOO important.  Without imagination, we don't really even have a life".  I thought long and hard about what he said and about how profound this statement could be in my life and the lives of others.  Where in our life do we stop dreaming, imagining and believing that we can build a time machine out of metal (plastic) and a lightbulb.  These kids are going back to visit the dinosaurs.


I am going to take this lesson that my son has taught me and begin to apply it in my life.



"Imagination is Soooo important.  Without imagination, we don't really have a life........"




I challenge you to do the same.  Dream......Inspire....Believe......

Love - Jenn

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Halloween (better late than never)


So I know this post is very outdated, but life has been crazy.  I just wanted to catch everyone up on our "normal" ? life over the past month.


Halloween started out with Zehn's pumpkin slowly dying (just one of the casualties in our home this month)  We had 4 other pumpkins from the pumpkin patch, but never got around to doing anything with them due to the chaos of the month.  We kept Mr. Pumpkin face as long as we could, then he made the sad trip to the garbage.

The festivities started out with Zehn, who refused to commit to a Halloween costume.  He just plain was not interested.  We discussed it many times and looked through some at the stores, he just did not care to dress up.  Well, after I sent him to school (costumeless) for the parade, I panicked, fearing once he showed up and was the only kid without a costume he would be upset.  I grabbed a cowboy hat and ran it to the school only to find him happily holding the sign in front of his classroom.  He didn't seem to notice or care that he was the only one not in costume.  I begged him to at least wear the cowboy hat, and he finally complied.

Next, it was off to Sasha's school where she was dressed as Pippy Longstocking.  She was very excited, as you can see here about the pumpkins and just being at school with her "friends" as she is every day.

Stage 2 of Halloween was at Tiff's house.  We had a great halloween party and after searching the boxes, found both Sasha and Zehn's old costumes from last year.  At least mom was satisfied.  Again, I don't think either one of them cared at all.  Zehn was a  muscle man, Sasha a spider.

Jaden and Zehn getting ready for trick or treating.  Isn't her cowgirl costume cute.  I hear that Tiff had some issues with her not wanting to wear it either.   What's wrong with kids and Halloween now days?  They sure did look cute though.

My costume for everything that requires a costume for the past 6 years (toned down a bit this year)  a wig and boa.  Can never go wrong.

Back from Trick-or-Treating and Sasha found Kelly's wig.  She apparently was not done dressing up for the night and thought she was some hot stuff.  Then she decided to share the wig with her mom......


Boo Ya - Mom working the new kickboxing skills with the wig.  There really is nothing that can even be said about this photo except, WOW.

So, that was our Halloween.  It was fun and I think the kids had a great time.  The only exception would be when a "statue" on one of the porches came alive behind Sasha and scared the *beep* out of her.  The rest of the night she kept pointing at anything dressed in black and saying "HOLY MOLY".  All in all, it was a success.  Good Times
 

Saturday, November 21, 2009

New Moon


"A new moon signifies new beginnings, a time to release old habits, patterns, projects and anything that no longer serves us – and to begin something new, with a new vision and a clear focus. "



I love how the universe brings us exactly what we need when we need it.  I was cleaning out my junk email and a subject line caught my eye.  It read "Has anyone else been experiencing some INTENSE emotions lately?"  Usually I just clear out my junk mail in bulk, but for some reason I actually opened it and saw this email.  I clicked on it and what I read was extremely shocking.  I have heard all the hype of the NEW MOON as the release of this movie was only yesterday.  Somewhere in the hype got lost the REAL new moon which took place on Monday of this week.  As I read, this article shot chills through my body and it gave me more insight and strength into my situation.  The opening quote of this blog is from the article I found in my junk mail.  Junk?  I think not! I plan to spend the day doing some research on the astrological New Moon (if I can weed through the movie hype).  Thank you universe (and the inspiration to open my junk mail today)  this truly is a time for change and letting go of things no longer useful to me in my life.




Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Updates

I am aware that updates are in order....... but I'm soooooo busy and tired (and that is a great thing).  I will update soon.......

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Water Bottle

So, it looks like a simple normal water bottle, right?  Well this water bottle has been the source of so much conflict between my kids I lost my head today as they fought over it for the 100000000th time again.
Ok, so let me back up.  The day started out as normal.  Breakfast, Barney, and fresh juice from the juicer (yes, I am diligently trying to wean myself off of my coffee addiction).  Tiff called at 10 am to remind me of the hip hop class we had agreed to go to at 11.  I got the kids ready and out the door in 1/2 hour (which is no small feat you will know if you have 2 wild animals for children).

We got the the gym and were absolutely ridiculously horrible at our ...um "hip hop dance" class.  Ha ha ha ha.  If you can even call what we were doing dance.  There was a point that I turned to her and said as long as we keep jumping, maybe no one will notice we don't know what we are doing.  No matter, it was great fun and I couldn't imagine a better saturday morning than making an ass out of myself with Tiff.

After a nice relaxing sit in the hot tub, we decided we better get on with our day.  I went to the Kids Club to pick up Sasha and Zehn (who absolutely love going to the gym, and Sasha asks multiple times a day....."gym???")  They came when I called them which is rare, so I'm not quite sure where this next part of uncontrollable aggression came from.

Yes I am......  the water bottle.  This damn water bottle.  You would think I would just buy them each their own, but no, I have not up to this point, been that smart.   So, anyway as I was helping Sasha get her shoes on they spotted it in my gym bag.  Zehn grabbed it and immediately Sasha reached for it and started whining.  Well of course, Zehn wasn't handing it over.  I could see the situation escalating and went from 0 - 100 irritated because we have had the "fighting over this very water bottle" talk 100 times.

I snatched the bottle out of Sasha's hands (who had somehow won the fight for the moment).  As I lectured them on how annoying and tiresome this battle had become, in a moment of "mommy glory", I turned to Zehn first, aimed the bottle at his face and squirted.  Then I turned to Sasha and did the same thing.

Awesome.  Mom of the year.  Both my kids were now crying and wet as I was preparing to take them into the blizzard snowstorm outside.  Tiffany was laughing in horror and the girl sitting at the Kid's Care desk looked like she had also been a target of my uncontrolled spur of the moment waterfight.  I wonder if she will ever let us back in there.  We probably now have notes in our chart like Elaine from Seinfield and no one will ever take us again.

But guess what.............  I got the water bottle!!!  I win!!  :)

Friday, November 13, 2009

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES


So, I know my posts lately have been .... um.... less than bright, to put it in a nice way.  This is not me.  Sure, I have my fair share of drama, and most would say enough to cover an entire city, but typically I try to keep a positive attitude.  I have been pulling everything inside of me to continue believing in not only the order of the universe but miracles in general.  Today i got a miracle. 

Today marks a new day, a new song, a new future, a new life, a new happy ending, (and as Julie reminded me....a new moon).  Some of you know what this miracle is, but due to superstition, I am choosing to keep it to myself for the time being.  I don't want it to disappear like Cinderella's ball at midnight.  But I did want to come on here and thank you all for your overwhelming support.  I also want to thank the universe and let everyone know, that as hard as this past month has been, I have been holding on to my faith.  Today i got a miracle.  So, if things don't seem to be going your way......  BELIEVE.......  Miracles happen to people who believe......

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Re-claiming my wings......


Chapter 2 ........

Today WILL be a good day



Love & Light - Jenn

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Wow

I just got the verbal smackdown and GOD BLESS friends that aren't afraid to do it.  However, I've seen your 110 pound body jump in between two huge men to stop a bar fight without a 2nd thought, so you've never been one to sit on the sidelines and watch people self destruct.

I love you Tiff.  Thank you for your honesty.  It is great to have a friend that you trust when you don't trust yourself.  Your are my angel.

P.S. I don't want you to come to kickboxing with me so I can punch you a bit. :)  I just want you to come back to Zumba with me so I'm not the only one that looks like I am having a seizure.

Love you!!!!!

The Cycle

So, I finally broke down and gave in.  JJ and I had the "talk" yesterday.  This is where my mind starts to play tricks on me and my heart thinks it is in control of this operation.  I asked him if I could come over after I got done with the gym.  He said that would be fine, but wondered if I really wanted to come to his house because I HATE HIS HOUSE (for many reasons) and have for years.  Too many bad memories, too many horrible things that happened there.

I agreed and so we decided he would come here.  When I heard the knock on the door my heart skipped a beat.  I opened it and saw him standing there.  He looked scared, like he didn't know if I was going to stab him with a screwdriver or knock him out on the porch.  I honestly had no idea what I was going to do exactly either, but when I saw him, my heart melted.

I stepped onto the porch and wrapped my arms around him and we hugged for about 5 minutes.  The only thing I said to him was "what am I going to do with you"?  He just shook his head and cried.

I invited him is and we sat and talked for close to 4 hours.  I asked him all the questions that have been haunting me for 3 weeks and was satisfied (notice I did not say happy) with his answers.  I felt like at least he was not trying to make excuses for his poor behaviors or even asking to be a part of this family again.  He knew that what he had done was a deal breaker and appeared ready to accept whatever consequences came his way.

I was amazed that my anger seemed to just melt away and I felt so much compassion for this man.  I told him I wished I could hate him forever because it would be so much easier.  But I rarely can hold on to hate and anger longer than a few weeks at most.  It just is not me.  I told him that I forgive him, but I do not trust him and don't know if I will ever trust him again.  He said he didn't blame me and he would be worried if I opened my arms back up to him immediately after his huge mistake. 

The remarkable thing about our conversation is that as we spoke it was the song of my heart.  I had not planned a single word that I was going to say, so when I heard myself tell him I forgave him, I wondered if I was going to regret that one later.   But I don't regret saying it, nor do I feel like it was a premature thing to say.  I do forgive him.  I do not excuse him, or trust him.  But as crazy as you all probably think I am......I forgive him.

The majority of the 4 hours we spent together was me getting things off my chest, and although he did apologize, he told me that saying "i'm sorry" could never erase what he had done or the hurt that he had caused me.  I agreed.  I called him a bastard many times and asked him "why".  He said he didn't have an answer.

After 4 hours of "processing"  I was exhausted to the core.  I could barely keep my eyes open and told him I needed to take a nap and take some time to think about the things we had just discussed.  We hugged, said goodbye and made no decisions about the future other than the fact that Sasha and Zehn were always to be the priority in our decision making.

Later that evening about 5:30, Zehn's dad bailed out again on picking him up for his day.  JJ and Zo are both on the Monday, Wednesday schedule although Zo seems more to be on whatever the hell schedule he wants to be on.  When I was the one that showed up to pick up Zehn from school, he asked where his dad was.  I told him he had to work.  Zehn said "why do our dads keep making bad decisions?"  He was very sad, old enough to understand his dad continues choosing work and other over him.

He was sort of kicking leaves as he walked and said "I really miss Sasha.  How can we help JJ make better decisions so he can be part of our family again?"  My heart broke again for this innocent little man who not only wrote off his own dad when he didn't show up, but wanted to help his sister's dad in anyway so we could have him be part of the family again.  I said "I don't know that we can baby.  People have to make their own choices in life and that is why it is so important for you to make good ones." 

These conversations are becoming very very draining as it seems like I am having to have major life lesson conversation with him many times throughout the day.  Things a 7 year old should not have to be worrying about.  However, at least I am the one that gets to do it..........I guess.  But it is hard explaining grown up problems to a child.  I don't lie to my children, so finding age appropriate explanations are becoming harder and harder.

We got home and I started making dinner.  He mentioned again how much he missed his sister and he really wished that he could see her.   Now, this is where I am not sure if my decisions turned from good to bad, but in light of the events of the whole day which included not seeing sasha for 4 days, making peace with JJ, Zo bailing out on Zehn, and me being completely broken down mentally and physically again, I sent JJ an text and invited them over for a bit.  He said ok.

When the doorbell rang, you would have thought it was christmas.  Sasha and Zehn were laughing and hugging and rolling around and jumping on the couch and smiling and happier than I have seen either one of them in a while.  Zehn ran to JJ and gave him a huge hug and said "I have missed you SO much".  I looked at JJ and he looked like he wanted to cry.  Zehn must have told him 5 different times throughout the night how much he had missed him.  He also must have showed JJ every toy, trick and invention he could think of (even though I am sure that JJ has seen them all multiple times).

I knew that Zehn had been missing him, but it was not apparent until that moment just how much he really cared for JJ.  After all, JJ has been there for more of his life than his own father, as we started dating when Zehn was only 3.  This was a bittersweet sight because I am still pretty set on not allowing JJ back into our lives in the way he has been in the past.

Sasha, also was noticibly more excited.  She kept running around saying "daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy", like she couldn't believe she had us both in one room again.  These kids had more energy than if they ate 100 sugar cubes and were smiling from ear to ear. To see pure joy in my kids again was again, very bittersweet.

So now what...... this is were the cycle always continues and what I had feared most about even seeing him ever again.  Although I knew that was not a possibility due to the fact that we have a child together.  How do I look the man I love in the eyes and tell him essentially he is not good enough for our family.  This has been the question haunting me for 3 weeks.  I was feeling about as strong as I could be yesterday and still couldn't say it.  All I could say to him was that I didn't know if I would ever trust him again and without trust, you have no relationship.

So, I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing.  Breathing, going to the gym, being a mom, trying to be strong enough to keep JJ at an arms length since I have been so adament that that is what needs to happen this time.  But the mind is a tricky tricky thing and already I am wondering if that is really the best thing in the long run.......

One of the toys Zehn was teaching JJ to make last night was one of the "fortune toys"  Remember the ones we used to make in school that you write questions and answers on then use your 4 fingers to count out the correct number until you open it up to your fortune.  Maybe I will have him make me a fortune toy for my life.  This would all be so much easier if i could count out on a piece of paper what the future will bring.....

Monday, November 9, 2009

Failed..

Gonna cave......  I miss him too much.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Miracles

God Bless Miracles...... you know who you are..........

Ha Ha Life!!!

I made 3 separate "play dates" today with 3 sets of people that I haven't seen in some time. They are some of my favorite people in this world, so I was looking forward to our play dates.

As luck would have it at this phase in my life, the phone I have been using got dropped while I was raking leaves and broke. Hahahahahaha. Not too big of a deal because I have been using our alternate number to block JJ's calls and avoid seeing or sending any hurtful text messages. Well, it has been 3 weeks now and I should be able to go back to my original phone and control myself, right?

The phone is in Heber being babysat by Grandma and Grandpa right now so I thought I would take a nice sunday drive up to retrieve my lonely abandoned phone. I grabbed my purse and checked my wallet for my bank card knowing I would need to get gas..........No Card.

Thank you Sasha.. I am sure she has hidden it somewhere as this is one of her favorite 'tricks' to play on Mommy. Although since she is with J, I can't ask her to show me where it is this time.

So..... no card.....no gas.....no trip to heber.....no phone.....no playdates :(

Sarah, Robb, Melissa and Natalie........ come to me baby. I can't even call or communicate with any of you to let you know what's going on.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

For some reason, this is absolutely hilarious to me and I am laughing out loud as I type this. Sorry guys. Obviously my sense of humor has found it's way back home. I hope none of you get your feelings hurt too bad when I don't answer any of your calls or texts. LMAO.

If you do happen to read this, or anyone else for that matter.......come on over.  I'm cooking a yummy roast for dinner and obviously won't be going anywhere.  

P.S.  God totally has a sense of humor.    

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Goals........

I am mad I sold my guitar..... I am going to buy a new one tomorrow.....

Apologize????

I know it's old, but so fits my life...... (plus, I'm old)

Tiffany my angel

Today was a good day..... and it started out with a jolting phone call from Tiff when I had planned to sleep the day away in despair.

The conversation went something like this:

Tiff: "Get up"
Me: "I'm sleeping"
Tiff; "I've had an epiphiny from Tiffany
Me: "Are you drunk"
Tiff: "No.... you have refused to label JJ as your boyfriend all summer. You have told us all that you are not in a "relationship" with him, when we all could see that you were.... why do you think that is......"
Me: "????????"
Tiff: "Because you KNEW this was coming..... you KNEW he was going to screw it up, so stop feeling sorry for yourself...get out of bed, and you have a hip hop class to be to in 1 hour.
Me: "I haven't had coffee yet, you better slow yourself down girlfriend...."
Tiff: "You better go make yourself some coffee and get your ass to hip hop"


Have i ever told you how much I love this girl????

She is my soul sista!!!! You are my angel TIff!!!!

Friday, November 6, 2009

My Girl

So, it's JJ's weekend with Sasha, which means I won't see her until Tuesday due to the way our days/weekends worked last year.  We haven't kept track of days or weekends for close to 8 months because most days we spent as a family, the 4 of us.

It is only 7PM and I am sick.  I miss my girl so bad, which in turn makes me miss the life I had become so accustomed to over the summer and had fallen very much in love with.

I just got back from the gym hoping it would be the distraction/release of anxiety needed to get me through the night.  However, it's not looking good considering we have not even been home an hour and as I write this, tears are rolling down my cheeks.

I don't feel strong enough for this.  Not today.  I keep trying to chalk it up to a bad day, but in reality i know it is because I have begun mourning the death of a marriage of hearts.  I am lost.... and starting to think that this is going to break me.

Please send positive energy.........my broken heart is loosing the will to keep beating and every breath I take reminds me that I am still alive, but in an alternate universe.  Today is the hardest day to date.


Breathe....

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Morning Texts

I miss waking up to text messages in the morning.  :(

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Waiting for the rain


I can't wait until it rains again....  I am dying to dance in the rain.

.
(and no, for those of you who are wondering, this is not a picture of me.... it is just a picture I absolutely love because it represents freedom and naked cleansing of the soul...... isn't it beautiful!)

Today I have had a flood of emotions.  Not prepared for any of them, but I'm starting to think that my present life consists of blindsided emotional moments.... "tests" so to speak.  I am wearing them the best I can and making the most of each opportunity as it comes into my life.  Although I am feeling week today, overall I feel stronger every day.

However, I need to thank a special someone for making yesterday unexpectedly fantastic.  You were just the medicine I needed.  Good Friends are Gold.  I love all of you.  Especially the ones that read in the shower.  :) 



The Butterflies are Born


A couple weeks ago, Zehn's teacher sent home 2 live caterpillars that if we cared for properly were supposed to turn into butterflies.  I was skeptical and frankly was not too happy that his teacher sent these home for me to be in charge of (yes, I know I am a grinch).  Anyway, much to our surprise.  They did exactly what they were supposed to do.

I was home alone when the first one was born.  I almost had a heart attack and called my mom at work for help.  Luckily she had a school teacher standing right there when I called who has done the butterfly experiment in her classroom.  My mom handed over the phone and she walked me through what to do....  which turned out to be absolutely nothing.  HAHAHAHa.  (except I did poke the butterfly with a pen to see if it was alive). 

Anyway, they both hatched and the kids were so excited.  Me, not so much because now I had to find a way to keep them alive.......................Well,

I failed....................



The butterflies didn't make it.   Zehn wants to keep one for a souviner.   I told him we could have a funeral in the yard.  These butterflies were doomed from the beginning anyway..... what teacher hatches butterflies in November anyway?????

 We are 0 for 2 right now.  The butterflies kicked the bucket and the jumping beans jumped away.  Z's teacher and I will be fighting if she sends home any more live experiments.