Back Posts

I know that a few weeks ago I made the claim that I was going to start back posting pictures and stories from this summer because this year had been the best year I have possibly had in a decade.  Well, in light of the situation as it has unfolded, i am not strong enough to go back through all those pictures and memories yet.  I think my time is best used "posting forward".  It is important for me to heal my body, mind and spirit through this life challenge.

I started with my body by taking some very very intense dance classes.  My body is always the last thing I take care of so I thought I would try something different this time.  It appears to be working well.  However, I find today is tough.  I am having emotions and feelings I was not wanting to feel even though I know they are part of the healing process.  I don't want to go to the gym, but feel like today more than any other it is probably important for me to go.

I am healing my mind by using my writing and words to quiet the noise.  It also has been working very well.  But again, today I am restless and feeling the void louder than I have the past 2 weeks.

So, I am moving to the next step... spirit.  My definition of spirit is more diverse and nontraditional than many I have grown up with.  My spirit is strong and I have a very intense spirituality.  The way I am going to feed my spirit right now is to focus on feeding positive energy back into the world.  I have another blog that I have not published yet that I am using for positive messages, quotes, and simple pleasures.  Although these other blogs are giving me a great deal of release and healing power, I am ready to take it to the next level.

So.... all this rambling does have a purpose.  Some of you know my goal and I have spoken with you about my "project" for over a year now.  I feel like the time is right for this "project" to be born. 

I need your help.  I need you to send me your favorite, most inspirational quotes, thoughts or anything that makes you smile in your heart.  This can be something that is inspiring, thought provoking or just plain happy.  I have a vision and am going to start building this for not only my spirit, but others. 

You can send me this info to my email
jenn.k.loves@gmail.com

I will give credit where credit is due as I build my new blog.  If you don't want me to use your name, please let me know that when you send me your info.  Thanks everyone for your help and support.  I can't believe the outpouring of love that has been handed to me these past 2 weeks. 

My Day

I had a fabulous day today, and I wanted the world to know.

Love - Jenn

Silver Sneakers.......

Stay tuned for the adventure of the morning.....  it's absolutely freakin hilarious (or at least we thought so... and we are the funniest girls on the planet)  I wonder how it's always Tiff and I that end up in these situations.

I love you Tiff-a-hiti.

You's my ninja

Our First Snow

How much fun is snow.  Especially when Grandma Johnson gives you sweet rain boots that double as snow boots.  I love this first picture because Sasha is catching snowflakes on her tongue.  I love having her home with me on Tue and Thur.  I am working towards 5 days a week.  I love this girl. She is my mini me and we dance all day when we are home together.  I love you Sasha.  You and your brother give me a purpose to life and I can't imagine life without you. 

I love you - Mommy.

Nobody seems to care.........

Yes, JJ, this is our song..... you know the one.....  this is the one that we have had the most intimitate moments listening to.  Well,  I am listening to it right now.  I am listening to it and am terrified of the feelings it would flood through my body, but you know what.....

This is amazing....  I realized that every second......Every second.  Every intimate moment.  Every kiss.  Every giggle.  Every secret.  Every word.  Every breath I gave you was real.  I gave you everything.  And this gives me peace.  I am broken that we didn't share the same intensity or level of honesty, but I am at peace with the fact that every last word, promise and breath you were given from me was real.  It was my gift to you.  My love for you was something that I felt so strongly about that I was willing to put myself in a place of total vulnerability to make it happen.

It is devastating that the story ended this way because I wanted to save those moments for someone who apprecieated them to the fullest, but I can sleep at night because I know that I gave you everything.......EVERYTHING.

I love you,  I always will, but I love the fact that I love myself enough to walk away from someone who doesn't appreciate the magic in my soul.  I am made of magical things and if you don't see that, then I must walk away.  And I do it with peace, and pride.

Thank you for the wonderful times.  Thank you for the memories we have shared.  Thank you for the beautiful daughter that you have given me.  I am sad that you could not give me yourself, but I am at peace because I gave you me.   All of me.  And the best part is I still have all of me to give to someone who will appreciate it for what it is.  And I am ready  to move on to that stage of my life.  I may need some time to lick my wounds, but someone very lucky is just about to share the love of their life with me and my beautiful family.

Again, I love you.  I hope you can learn to love yourself the way that I love you.

And guess what.......  "nobody seems to care" is a hell of a song, but a crock of shit, because JJ...... everyone seems to care.....  I hope you can find that in your heart.

Bye Bye My Space

So I have taken every precaution  to make sure that I handled this situation with as much grace as humanly possible and feel like so far have been doing a pretty good job.

1 - I turned off my phone, put it in a box and sent it to my parents house to be mailed back to me when I was strong enough to turn it on again.  ( I tend to send very angry, vicious texts when I am hurting....and I am hurting....bad).  I felt like this was a good move. (notice I even wrote some inspirational words on the back of the package to remind me when I get it in the mail)  I love mail!!!!

2 - I joined a gym and have been to some very intense cardio dance classes including kickboxing, Zumba, and Hip Hop at least once a day, but am not afraid to go twice or three times if the moment calls for it. (plus it will give me a rockin bathing suit body just in time for snowpants).

3- I broke down and went to the doctor and got on meds.

4 - I have started reconnecting with old friends who are not quite the bandaids my kids, but have put a great deal of neosporin on my owies.....  I feel them starting to heal.

However,  I am now finding myself at the point in the greiving process where I am past my selfish anger and now want him to feel the pain.  And I mean FEEL THE PAIN.  I have a MySpace account that I have not used in over a year, as I am now a Facebook junkie.  However, I know he uses it on a daily basis.  I have found myself logging on the past couple days and making "posts" that if he just so happened to read, might stir up some anxiety in him the way I am suffocating in anxiety.

My posts have started to get meaner and meaner.  Today I decided to take the high road.  I am not a mean person, and I do not have to make him hurt in order for me to heal (although I'm not gonna lie, it does bring a fair amount of pleasure).  I am better than this and the only way for me to heal is through LOVE.  Hateful, hurtful posts do not fall under that category.

Since I have little self control (thus the phone sitting in a box in heber waiting to be mailed back) I made the decision........

5 - MySpace has to go.

I did it, and I feel great.  One step at a time.

Now I'm going to kickboxing.

Thank you all for your support and willingness to hold my heart in your hands as I work through this chapter of my life.  I love you.

It's Time

Today I am looking to the sky.  Today I see a silver lining.  This ....um.... experience (a.k.a. hell on earth) that I have been given has given me 2 choices...

Sink or Swim

I choose swim.  I have found a new center inside myself that I may not have found had I not been crushed under the weight of betrayal and broken dreams.  I have done a lot of soul searching and I realized, my dreams have not been broken.  They have only been altered.  In addition, I realized that what I THOUGHT were my dreams really weren't all that ambitious.

I am too powerful, spiritual and strong to reach for the trees.  I'm strapping on the rocket and coming to the stars baby.  Some people are given simple lives and use them for putting positive energy into the world.  Others are given challenging lives and use them to inspire others.  I fit in the 2nd category.  And I accept the challenge.

I will walk strong through this second in eternity just like every other challenge I have survived.  Thank you God for giving me a purpose in life.

Love and Light - Jenn

My Awesome Night

That's me..... on the right in the boots. 

Ok, so that's not really me and the ghost of Michael Jackson, but I decided to do something for myself today.  I keep saying that I have to be healthy before I can help my family.

I signed up for a gym that offers every sort of dance class from Zumba, Boot Camp, Yoga, Pilates, Hip Hop, and everything in between.

Tonight was Hip Hop and I learned the true blue Thriller dance.  I must say I was the shiz-nit.  I haven't had this much fun in months and the release that came from dancing was more theraputic than any anti-psychotic meds that are on the market. 

I think tomorrow will be Zumba.....  Wednesday is Kick Boxing.  It is great to find a positive release for all this pent up energy. 

Anyway, this may be a new career move for me........ I think they are missing a key player in the Thriller video now......  This just might be my big break :)

It's good to smile again.

Today's Oxy-moron.

Yes, I am one of those people now.  I heart stabalization meds.  I mean I really REALLY heart the meds i am taking.  And no, I am not talking about Midol or Pamprin.  Thanks to an intuitive mother who INSISTED that I see a crisis doctor immediately, I am on some very very heavy duty anti-anxiety meds.  The big league.  I have spent my life protesting medicating people.  Guess I'll just chalk this one up to eating more "I will never......" words.  My mouth has become quite full of those bold naieve claims from early in my innocent life.  (Ok, so we all know I didn't have an "innocent" live, but that is neither here nor there)

I guess this makes me a hypocrite considering that it was drugs that started this whole downward spiral. And if I hate anything with all my heart and soul right now, it would be drugs.   Not sure if it make a difference that my drugs are legal and for stabilization while his were illegal and used as an escape from reality.  Either way, if these meds I am on take away the burning desire to smash dishes through the window, scrub the sewer with his toothbrush, or slash the tires on his car, then I will wear the scarlet letter H on my forehead with pride.  And they do.  I guess Mom still knows best and has the final say even when you are 31 years old.

So here is my confession.....  Hi, my name is Jenn.  I am a hypocrite, but at least I am a stabilized   hypocrite and I am not typing this using my nose while being restrained in a straight jacket at UNI.


Thank you god that I am not typing this from the coockoo house.

Today

Today I did a good thing.  And I feel happy about it.