So, I finally broke down and gave in. JJ and I had the "talk" yesterday. This is where my mind starts to play tricks on me and my heart thinks it is in control of this operation. I asked him if I could come over after I got done with the gym. He said that would be fine, but wondered if I really wanted to come to his house because I HATE HIS HOUSE (for many reasons) and have for years. Too many bad memories, too many horrible things that happened there.
I agreed and so we decided he would come here. When I heard the knock on the door my heart skipped a beat. I opened it and saw him standing there. He looked scared, like he didn't know if I was going to stab him with a screwdriver or knock him out on the porch. I honestly had no idea what I was going to do exactly either, but when I saw him, my heart melted.
I stepped onto the porch and wrapped my arms around him and we hugged for about 5 minutes. The only thing I said to him was "what am I going to do with you"? He just shook his head and cried.
I invited him is and we sat and talked for close to 4 hours. I asked him all the questions that have been haunting me for 3 weeks and was satisfied (notice I did not say happy) with his answers. I felt like at least he was not trying to make excuses for his poor behaviors or even asking to be a part of this family again. He knew that what he had done was a deal breaker and appeared ready to accept whatever consequences came his way.
I was amazed that my anger seemed to just melt away and I felt so much compassion for this man. I told him I wished I could hate him forever because it would be so much easier. But I rarely can hold on to hate and anger longer than a few weeks at most. It just is not me. I told him that I forgive him, but I do not trust him and don't know if I will ever trust him again. He said he didn't blame me and he would be worried if I opened my arms back up to him immediately after his huge mistake.
The remarkable thing about our conversation is that as we spoke it was the song of my heart. I had not planned a single word that I was going to say, so when I heard myself tell him I forgave him, I wondered if I was going to regret that one later. But I don't regret saying it, nor do I feel like it was a premature thing to say. I do forgive him. I do not excuse him, or trust him. But as crazy as you all probably think I am......I forgive him.
The majority of the 4 hours we spent together was me getting things off my chest, and although he did apologize, he told me that saying "i'm sorry" could never erase what he had done or the hurt that he had caused me. I agreed. I called him a bastard many times and asked him "why". He said he didn't have an answer.
After 4 hours of "processing" I was exhausted to the core. I could barely keep my eyes open and told him I needed to take a nap and take some time to think about the things we had just discussed. We hugged, said goodbye and made no decisions about the future other than the fact that Sasha and Zehn were always to be the priority in our decision making.
Later that evening about 5:30, Zehn's dad bailed out again on picking him up for his day. JJ and Zo are both on the Monday, Wednesday schedule although Zo seems more to be on whatever the hell schedule he wants to be on. When I was the one that showed up to pick up Zehn from school, he asked where his dad was. I told him he had to work. Zehn said "why do our dads keep making bad decisions?" He was very sad, old enough to understand his dad continues choosing work and other over him.
He was sort of kicking leaves as he walked and said "I really miss Sasha. How can we help JJ make better decisions so he can be part of our family again?" My heart broke again for this innocent little man who not only wrote off his own dad when he didn't show up, but wanted to help his sister's dad in anyway so we could have him be part of the family again. I said "I don't know that we can baby. People have to make their own choices in life and that is why it is so important for you to make good ones."
These conversations are becoming very very draining as it seems like I am having to have major life lesson conversation with him many times throughout the day. Things a 7 year old should not have to be worrying about. However, at least I am the one that gets to do it..........I guess. But it is hard explaining grown up problems to a child. I don't lie to my children, so finding age appropriate explanations are becoming harder and harder.
We got home and I started making dinner. He mentioned again how much he missed his sister and he really wished that he could see her. Now, this is where I am not sure if my decisions turned from good to bad, but in light of the events of the whole day which included not seeing sasha for 4 days, making peace with JJ, Zo bailing out on Zehn, and me being completely broken down mentally and physically again, I sent JJ an text and invited them over for a bit. He said ok.
When the doorbell rang, you would have thought it was christmas. Sasha and Zehn were laughing and hugging and rolling around and jumping on the couch and smiling and happier than I have seen either one of them in a while. Zehn ran to JJ and gave him a huge hug and said "I have missed you SO much". I looked at JJ and he looked like he wanted to cry. Zehn must have told him 5 different times throughout the night how much he had missed him. He also must have showed JJ every toy, trick and invention he could think of (even though I am sure that JJ has seen them all multiple times).
I knew that Zehn had been missing him, but it was not apparent until that moment just how much he really cared for JJ. After all, JJ has been there for more of his life than his own father, as we started dating when Zehn was only 3. This was a bittersweet sight because I am still pretty set on not allowing JJ back into our lives in the way he has been in the past.
Sasha, also was noticibly more excited. She kept running around saying "daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy", like she couldn't believe she had us both in one room again. These kids had more energy than if they ate 100 sugar cubes and were smiling from ear to ear. To see pure joy in my kids again was again, very bittersweet.
So now what...... this is were the cycle always continues and what I had feared most about even seeing him ever again. Although I knew that was not a possibility due to the fact that we have a child together. How do I look the man I love in the eyes and tell him essentially he is not good enough for our family. This has been the question haunting me for 3 weeks. I was feeling about as strong as I could be yesterday and still couldn't say it. All I could say to him was that I didn't know if I would ever trust him again and without trust, you have no relationship.
So, I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing. Breathing, going to the gym, being a mom, trying to be strong enough to keep JJ at an arms length since I have been so adament that that is what needs to happen this time. But the mind is a tricky tricky thing and already I am wondering if that is really the best thing in the long run.......
One of the toys Zehn was teaching JJ to make last night was one of the "fortune toys" Remember the ones we used to make in school that you write questions and answers on then use your 4 fingers to count out the correct number until you open it up to your fortune. Maybe I will have him make me a fortune toy for my life. This would all be so much easier if i could count out on a piece of paper what the future will bring.....
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