Sooooo Sad...............

Halloween (better late than never)

So I know this post is very outdated, but life has been crazy.  I just wanted to catch everyone up on our "normal" ? life over the past month.

Halloween started out with Zehn's pumpkin slowly dying (just one of the casualties in our home this month)  We had 4 other pumpkins from the pumpkin patch, but never got around to doing anything with them due to the chaos of the month.  We kept Mr. Pumpkin face as long as we could, then he made the sad trip to the garbage.

The festivities started out with Zehn, who refused to commit to a Halloween costume.  He just plain was not interested.  We discussed it many times and looked through some at the stores, he just did not care to dress up.  Well, after I sent him to school (costumeless) for the parade, I panicked, fearing once he showed up and was the only kid without a costume he would be upset.  I grabbed a cowboy hat and ran it to the school only to find him happily holding the sign in front of his classroom.  He didn't seem to notice or care that he was the only one not in costume.  I begged him to at least wear the cowboy hat, and he finally complied.

Next, it was off to Sasha's school where she was dressed as Pippy Longstocking.  She was very excited, as you can see here about the pumpkins and just being at school with her "friends" as she is every day.

Stage 2 of Halloween was at Tiff's house.  We had a great halloween party and after searching the boxes, found both Sasha and Zehn's old costumes from last year.  At least mom was satisfied.  Again, I don't think either one of them cared at all.  Zehn was a  muscle man, Sasha a spider.

Jaden and Zehn getting ready for trick or treating.  Isn't her cowgirl costume cute.  I hear that Tiff had some issues with her not wanting to wear it either.   What's wrong with kids and Halloween now days?  They sure did look cute though.

My costume for everything that requires a costume for the past 6 years (toned down a bit this year)  a wig and boa.  Can never go wrong.

Back from Trick-or-Treating and Sasha found Kelly's wig.  She apparently was not done dressing up for the night and thought she was some hot stuff.  Then she decided to share the wig with her mom......

Boo Ya - Mom working the new kickboxing skills with the wig.  There really is nothing that can even be said about this photo except, WOW.

So, that was our Halloween.  It was fun and I think the kids had a great time.  The only exception would be when a "statue" on one of the porches came alive behind Sasha and scared the *beep* out of her.  The rest of the night she kept pointing at anything dressed in black and saying "HOLY MOLY".  All in all, it was a success.  Good Times

 

New Moon

"A new moon signifies new beginnings, a time to release old habits, patterns, projects and anything that no longer serves us – and to begin something new, with a new vision and a clear focus. "

- The LOVEolution

I love how the universe brings us exactly what we need when we need it.  I was cleaning out my junk email and a subject line caught my eye.  It read "Has anyone else been experiencing some INTENSE emotions lately?"  Usually I just clear out my junk mail in bulk, but for some reason I actually opened it and saw this email.  I clicked on it and what I read was extremely shocking.  I have heard all the hype of the NEW MOON as the release of this movie was only yesterday.  Somewhere in the hype got lost the REAL new moon which took place on Monday of this week.  As I read, this article shot chills through my body and it gave me more insight and strength into my situation.  The opening quote of this blog is from the article I found in my junk mail.  Junk?  I think not! I plan to spend the day doing some research on the astrological New Moon (if I can weed through the movie hype).  Thank you universe (and the inspiration to open my junk mail today)  this truly is a time for change and letting go of things no longer useful to me in my life.

Updates

I am aware that updates are in order....... but I'm soooooo busy and tired (and that is a great thing).  I will update soon.......

The Water Bottle

So, it looks like a simple normal water bottle, right?  Well this water bottle has been the source of so much conflict between my kids I lost my head today as they fought over it for the 100000000th time again.

Ok, so let me back up.  The day started out as normal.  Breakfast, Barney, and fresh juice from the juicer (yes, I am diligently trying to wean myself off of my coffee addiction).  Tiff called at 10 am to remind me of the hip hop class we had agreed to go to at 11.  I got the kids ready and out the door in 1/2 hour (which is no small feat you will know if you have 2 wild animals for children).

We got the the gym and were absolutely ridiculously horrible at our ...um "hip hop dance" class.  Ha ha ha ha.  If you can even call what we were doing dance.  There was a point that I turned to her and said as long as we keep jumping, maybe no one will notice we don't know what we are doing.  No matter, it was great fun and I couldn't imagine a better saturday morning than making an ass out of myself with Tiff.

After a nice relaxing sit in the hot tub, we decided we better get on with our day.  I went to the Kids Club to pick up Sasha and Zehn (who absolutely love going to the gym, and Sasha asks multiple times a day....."gym???")  They came when I called them which is rare, so I'm not quite sure where this next part of uncontrollable aggression came from.

Yes I am......  the water bottle.  This damn water bottle.  You would think I would just buy them each their own, but no, I have not up to this point, been that smart.   So, anyway as I was helping Sasha get her shoes on they spotted it in my gym bag.  Zehn grabbed it and immediately Sasha reached for it and started whining.  Well of course, Zehn wasn't handing it over.  I could see the situation escalating and went from 0 - 100 irritated because we have had the "fighting over this very water bottle" talk 100 times.

I snatched the bottle out of Sasha's hands (who had somehow won the fight for the moment).  As I lectured them on how annoying and tiresome this battle had become, in a moment of "mommy glory", I turned to Zehn first, aimed the bottle at his face and squirted.  Then I turned to Sasha and did the same thing.

Awesome.  Mom of the year.  Both my kids were now crying and wet as I was preparing to take them into the blizzard snowstorm outside.  Tiffany was laughing in horror and the girl sitting at the Kid's Care desk looked like she had also been a target of my uncontrolled spur of the moment waterfight.  I wonder if she will ever let us back in there.  We probably now have notes in our chart like Elaine from Seinfield and no one will ever take us again.

But guess what.............  I got the water bottle!!!  I win!!  :)

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

So, I know my posts lately have been .... um.... less than bright, to put it in a nice way.  This is not me.  Sure, I have my fair share of drama, and most would say enough to cover an entire city, but typically I try to keep a positive attitude.  I have been pulling everything inside of me to continue believing in not only the order of the universe but miracles in general.  Today i got a miracle. 

Today marks a new day, a new song, a new future, a new life, a new happy ending, (and as Julie reminded me....a new moon).  Some of you know what this miracle is, but due to superstition, I am choosing to keep it to myself for the time being.  I don't want it to disappear like Cinderella's ball at midnight.  But I did want to come on here and thank you all for your overwhelming support.  I also want to thank the universe and let everyone know, that as hard as this past month has been, I have been holding on to my faith.  Today i got a miracle.  So, if things don't seem to be going your way......  BELIEVE.......  Miracles happen to people who believe......

Re-claiming my wings......

Chapter 2 ........

Today WILL be a good day

Love & Light - Jenn

Wow

I just got the verbal smackdown and GOD BLESS friends that aren't afraid to do it.  However, I've seen your 110 pound body jump in between two huge men to stop a bar fight without a 2nd thought, so you've never been one to sit on the sidelines and watch people self destruct.

I love you Tiff.  Thank you for your honesty.  It is great to have a friend that you trust when you don't trust yourself.  Your are my angel.

P.S. I don't want you to come to kickboxing with me so I can punch you a bit. :)  I just want you to come back to Zumba with me so I'm not the only one that looks like I am having a seizure.

Love you!!!!!

The Cycle

So, I finally broke down and gave in.  JJ and I had the "talk" yesterday.  This is where my mind starts to play tricks on me and my heart thinks it is in control of this operation.  I asked him if I could come over after I got done with the gym.  He said that would be fine, but wondered if I really wanted to come to his house because I HATE HIS HOUSE (for many reasons) and have for years.  Too many bad memories, too many horrible things that happened there.

I agreed and so we decided he would come here.  When I heard the knock on the door my heart skipped a beat.  I opened it and saw him standing there.  He looked scared, like he didn't know if I was going to stab him with a screwdriver or knock him out on the porch.  I honestly had no idea what I was going to do exactly either, but when I saw him, my heart melted.

I stepped onto the porch and wrapped my arms around him and we hugged for about 5 minutes.  The only thing I said to him was "what am I going to do with you"?  He just shook his head and cried.

I invited him is and we sat and talked for close to 4 hours.  I asked him all the questions that have been haunting me for 3 weeks and was satisfied (notice I did not say happy) with his answers.  I felt like at least he was not trying to make excuses for his poor behaviors or even asking to be a part of this family again.  He knew that what he had done was a deal breaker and appeared ready to accept whatever consequences came his way.

I was amazed that my anger seemed to just melt away and I felt so much compassion for this man.  I told him I wished I could hate him forever because it would be so much easier.  But I rarely can hold on to hate and anger longer than a few weeks at most.  It just is not me.  I told him that I forgive him, but I do not trust him and don't know if I will ever trust him again.  He said he didn't blame me and he would be worried if I opened my arms back up to him immediately after his huge mistake. 

The remarkable thing about our conversation is that as we spoke it was the song of my heart.  I had not planned a single word that I was going to say, so when I heard myself tell him I forgave him, I wondered if I was going to regret that one later.   But I don't regret saying it, nor do I feel like it was a premature thing to say.  I do forgive him.  I do not excuse him, or trust him.  But as crazy as you all probably think I am......I forgive him.

The majority of the 4 hours we spent together was me getting things off my chest, and although he did apologize, he told me that saying "i'm sorry" could never erase what he had done or the hurt that he had caused me.  I agreed.  I called him a bastard many times and asked him "why".  He said he didn't have an answer.

After 4 hours of "processing"  I was exhausted to the core.  I could barely keep my eyes open and told him I needed to take a nap and take some time to think about the things we had just discussed.  We hugged, said goodbye and made no decisions about the future other than the fact that Sasha and Zehn were always to be the priority in our decision making.

Later that evening about 5:30, Zehn's dad bailed out again on picking him up for his day.  JJ and Zo are both on the Monday, Wednesday schedule although Zo seems more to be on whatever the hell schedule he wants to be on.  When I was the one that showed up to pick up Zehn from school, he asked where his dad was.  I told him he had to work.  Zehn said "why do our dads keep making bad decisions?"  He was very sad, old enough to understand his dad continues choosing work and other over him.

He was sort of kicking leaves as he walked and said "I really miss Sasha.  How can we help JJ make better decisions so he can be part of our family again?"  My heart broke again for this innocent little man who not only wrote off his own dad when he didn't show up, but wanted to help his sister's dad in anyway so we could have him be part of the family again.  I said "I don't know that we can baby.  People have to make their own choices in life and that is why it is so important for you to make good ones." 

These conversations are becoming very very draining as it seems like I am having to have major life lesson conversation with him many times throughout the day.  Things a 7 year old should not have to be worrying about.  However, at least I am the one that gets to do it..........I guess.  But it is hard explaining grown up problems to a child.  I don't lie to my children, so finding age appropriate explanations are becoming harder and harder.

We got home and I started making dinner.  He mentioned again how much he missed his sister and he really wished that he could see her.   Now, this is where I am not sure if my decisions turned from good to bad, but in light of the events of the whole day which included not seeing sasha for 4 days, making peace with JJ, Zo bailing out on Zehn, and me being completely broken down mentally and physically again, I sent JJ an text and invited them over for a bit.  He said ok.

When the doorbell rang, you would have thought it was christmas.  Sasha and Zehn were laughing and hugging and rolling around and jumping on the couch and smiling and happier than I have seen either one of them in a while.  Zehn ran to JJ and gave him a huge hug and said "I have missed you SO much".  I looked at JJ and he looked like he wanted to cry.  Zehn must have told him 5 different times throughout the night how much he had missed him.  He also must have showed JJ every toy, trick and invention he could think of (even though I am sure that JJ has seen them all multiple times).

I knew that Zehn had been missing him, but it was not apparent until that moment just how much he really cared for JJ.  After all, JJ has been there for more of his life than his own father, as we started dating when Zehn was only 3.  This was a bittersweet sight because I am still pretty set on not allowing JJ back into our lives in the way he has been in the past.

Sasha, also was noticibly more excited.  She kept running around saying "daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy", like she couldn't believe she had us both in one room again.  These kids had more energy than if they ate 100 sugar cubes and were smiling from ear to ear. To see pure joy in my kids again was again, very bittersweet.

So now what...... this is were the cycle always continues and what I had feared most about even seeing him ever again.  Although I knew that was not a possibility due to the fact that we have a child together.  How do I look the man I love in the eyes and tell him essentially he is not good enough for our family.  This has been the question haunting me for 3 weeks.  I was feeling about as strong as I could be yesterday and still couldn't say it.  All I could say to him was that I didn't know if I would ever trust him again and without trust, you have no relationship.

So, I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing.  Breathing, going to the gym, being a mom, trying to be strong enough to keep JJ at an arms length since I have been so adament that that is what needs to happen this time.  But the mind is a tricky tricky thing and already I am wondering if that is really the best thing in the long run.......

One of the toys Zehn was teaching JJ to make last night was one of the "fortune toys"  Remember the ones we used to make in school that you write questions and answers on then use your 4 fingers to count out the correct number until you open it up to your fortune.  Maybe I will have him make me a fortune toy for my life.  This would all be so much easier if i could count out on a piece of paper what the future will bring.....