Jenn and the Crew - Dizzle

Landslide

2010-10-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

Thank God for 365 days. As much as I don't want this day to be one I circle on the calendar, I feel like today is a milestone. Today marks 365 days of survival. Some not so great, some fantastic.

Simple as that.

One year ago today, the landslide brought me down......

Here's to using the next 365 to thrive, rather than survive.

Dear Mommy.....(Letter From an Angel)

2010-04-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

Thank You to Sara from Blog Frog, for inspiring me to post this today.

I knew that I wanted to speak at my son's funeral (stillborn at 24 weeks), but could not for the life of me find the right words. You can imagine my frustration as a writer getting writers block at the most important writing moment of my life.

I finally wandered outside around 2AM to lay on the grass and look up at the stars around. The service was in 8 hours and I still had no idea what I was going to say. As I lay there looking into the heaven and thinking about my sweet baby, all the sudden I was flooded with words. It was as if my little angel was channeling words through me. I grabbed my pen and paper and scribbled as quickly as I could to get it all down.
After I finished, I read back through it and it took my breath away. It is a letter written from my angel baby, to me, from heaven. It was very powerful and healing for me. I have been wanting to find a way to make it into a children's book and donate it to the high risk maternity wards for women who loose their babies too early. Below is the talk I gave, exactly as I gave it.

There are some moments in life that you can never be fully prepared for. Speaking at a funeral for your child is one of those moments. However, it is very important for me to be able to share some of my thoughts and feelings on behalf of my beloved Dominic. Please bear with me.
Most of you know that the written word speaks to me in ways even I do not understand. Writing for me is the deepest form of communication. Thoughts and feelings flow from my pen onto the paper sometimes without my own knowledge of what is happening. The words I have produced here have brought me much comfort and I believe they are the words of my son. They are very special to me, and I would like to share them with you.

Dear Mommy,

It was not long ago that God came to me and told me it was my turn to go to earth. I was so excited. I have been looking forward to this for a long time. He sat me on his lap and told me that my journey was going to be a little different than normal. I had been assigned a very elite mission. I asked him if that was like an adventure. He smiled and nodded silently. I got very excited because I love adventures. You never know what is going to happen. In heaven, there are not a lot of surprises. It seems like everyone knows everything around here.

God told me I needed to pick my mommy very carefully. He said she needed to be compassionate and caring. Her heart should be strong, and she should be very brave because there would be a lot of things she did not understand. I knew right away who to pick. I have been watching you for a long time and I think you are the best mommy a boy could ever have. God beamed as if he knew I was going to pick you. (He probably did because he knows everything). He kissed me on the nose and said I had made an outstanding choice.

He called upon all of his strongest angels and told them to gear up for a very important assignment. (Mommy, God gave you his best angels. I know because I have seen them work. They are amazing). He instructed them to take extra special care of you. This was to be done around the clock, he said. He even has an extra angel that is always on call, just in case one of the regulars gets sick. I've never seen an angel get sick, but I guess God wanted to be prepared for anything. That's his job, you know.

Guess what he told me then, Mom. He said when I get back from my journey that I can get my wings. You know, not all angels have wings, only those who have come back home. I'm so excited to get wings mommy. I have been waiting for such a long time. Do you know how angel's wings work? I hoe it's not supposed to be a secret, but I just have to tell you. Angel wings are built with Love. Every time you help someone to feel Love, another feather is added to your wings. The more feathers you have, the higher and faster you can fly. I want to have the most feathers so I can fly the fastest of all the angels in heaven. There is no speed limit in heaven, and sometimes the angels get together to race. They say that everyone is a winner, but I think they just have to say that because it is heaven and they don't want anyone to feel bad. I can't wait to show them how fast I am.

The other day I got to try on my Daddy's wings. They are so big! My Daddy must love a lot of people because his wings are twice as big as me! I sure do love my Daddy. Sometimes he gets sad, but that is when I hug is heart the hardest. I like it when he dances, I think he is a good dancer. I can't wait to dance with my Daddy someday. He would love the music here. Music in heaven is different. It comes from your heart. Sometimes we dance all day and then we roll around in the clouds. I like to dance barefoot on the clouds because it tickles my toes and makes me giggle. I love to laugh.

I have seen your wings too Mom. They are beautiful. Everyday someone puts a new feather on them, so you must be teaching a lot of people about love. That is why I picked you, because you understand.
I am so happy in heaven Mommy. I have so many friends and everyone is so nice. Nobody ever tries to make you fell bad or say mean things. It is magic. Someday you will see. Guess what else Mom; in heaven everyone gets a kitten. If you want one. Not everyone wants a kitten, but I have one. His name is Sunshine because he makes me feel warm and happy. I can't wait for you to meet him. I get to eat popcicles for breakfast if I wants too, and nobody ever makes me take bath. You don't need baths in heaven because everything is so clean. Sometimes I take baths just because I like the bubbles. (But I don't ever wash behind my ears. I think that is silly and only old people do that).

Guess what else Mom, God said I could be Zehn's guardian angel. I had to ask for help though because I am just a little angel, and it is such a big job. I love my big brother so much. He is so special. Look into his eyes when he laughs and you will see a reflection of me. Do you want to know a secret? Zehn is one of God's "earth" angels, and he knows who I am.

Thank you for my name. Dominic John Klimowicz. It fits me perfectly.

My first name, Dominic, means "belonging to God". He is so pleased that you understand that we are all his children. Sometimes Mommys forget, and ask why God took their babies away from them. God is not angry, and he never wants to hurt anyone; he just has different plans for different people. But it is still hard someitmes to remember.

My middle name, John, after my poppa, is absolutely perfect. He is such a great man. He has come so far and is a pillar of love. I am so proud of him. He is my special Poppa (thumbs up). Mommy, I am glad I could help you find your way back to his home and into his heart. I know how much you love your Daddy. I am so honored to carry his name.

My last name, Klimowicz, is my Daddy's name. It is kind of hard to say, and even harder to spell. I have been practicing it for a while. Some of my friends still can't say it. Thak you Dad for our name. We can make it stand for anything we want. We can take pride in knowing that in our home, Klimowicz means Love, and Family.

Mommy, I know that you are sad, because you want to hold me now. But I promise we will dance together someday. For now, I will wrap you in my new wings and hug your heart as tight as I can. There are no Band-Aids in heaven Mom, here we use tears. I know that sounds kind of funny. But in heaven, tears are for cleaning your heart when it is hurt. So, it is OK to cry, but don't forget to laugh, because you have such a wonderful life. Remember to say I Love You. These are the three most important words. Nothing else really matters.

Mommy, I know you have been worried about Uncle Mike. He is in good hands and God has sent special angels to be with him so he can be comforted, and understand my special mission. I am going to fly there with my new wings and leave some kisses in his heart. He will be ok, so you don't have to worry anymore.

Mommy, Daddy, Zehn, Poppa, Maaga, Uncke Mike, Aunt Aitch, Uncle Ty and Aunt Tiffy- Thank you for being so strong. I know this is very hard. I am so proud of you. And to the wonderful friends and family sitting in this room, and those who could not be here, Thank You. For your authentic Love, and amazing support towards my family not only in this challenging time, but every day.

My voice may be soft and quiet, but my message is strong and loud....

-This life is too short, you can't afford to wait; Tell someone you love them, before it is too late.

I love You - Dominic

In closing, I would like to thank my son for the inspiration he has given to me. As his mother I was supposed to give him the gift of life. Ironically it seems to be the other way around. I have been blessed with more than a child; I have been blessed with an angel of Love.
Dominic, I am at peace with where you are. I am honored that you chose me to be your mother. I do not understand everything, but I do understand enough to know that all is as it sould be. I know I will have the chance to hold you and teach you to ride a bike. You can teach me how to fly....
My solemn promise to you, my son, is to give myself fully in the service of Love. I will carry your message and share it daily with the world. You my rest in peace, my angel. Enjoy your wings.
I Love You - Mommy

Dominic John Klimowicz

delivered his message of Love
Sept 21st 2004

Pink Slip

2010-04-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

I never claimed to be the best parent. Of course I have high hopes and fairy tale dreams for my children, but in REAL life, my biggest hope is that they don’t end up homeless on the street having sex with strangers to buy their next bottle of vodka or 8-ball of coke. Somedays I wonder if I am steering them away, or towards that lifestyle.

Exhibit A:

Yesterday Zehn came home from school with a pink slip. I have heard of pink slips in movies, but until today have never actually seen one with my own eyes. Yes, that’s right, my child exposed me to my first pink slip sighting. He walked in the door, directly over to where I was sitting, smacked it down on the table and said matter-of-factly, “I got in trouble for throwing snowballs today”.
I could lie and tell you that I immediately went into “teaching” mode as a mom, but that is not the case. My first reaction was pride that I had raised him to tell me the truth, even if the truth was that he was in trouble…….fair enough. My second reaction was where I think I derailed the positive parenting train. I said “Well, did you at least hit someone with the snowball?” He smiled cautiously to test if I was serious or not, then replied “no”.
My third reaction topped the other two as I said “Well, next time you ATTEMPT to do something that is going to get you in trouble at school, make sure that you achieve what you set out to do!!!”

Repreeezzzent-N

2010-03-25T22:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Saturn Driver,
Thank you for being clear on what "crew" you are representing. I would have hated to mix you up with a rival "crew". Say, god-forbid..... a H-O-N-D-A!!!

Respectfully,
Jenn

Jenny Cracked Corn and I Don't Care

2010-03-25T20:56:00.000-07:00

You know, it's never the big things that break me. I can handle bleeding faces and seizures. Not that I am inviting them but crisis, I can deal with. It's the little things like spilling a bowl of goldfish crackers or wet-sock that push me over the edge. Today it's burnt popcorn. I don't know what it is about popcorn that is so hard to master. My success rate is probably in the 10th percentile at best. If I happen to magically cook it to perfection, I don't want to eat it. I want to set it on my shelf in a pretty bowl to look at. It doesn't matter if I always buy the same size bags, or same brand, or cook it at the same temperature, time of day, etc, etc, etc.... undoubtedly I end up with a bag full of scalding hot kernals and not even enough "popped" corn to feed a rodent. OR a bag of charred mess that stinks up the house for an entire day. Today it was the later. Burnt crisp like an albino on the beach. And this is why I take anxiety meds. Should have gone with the goldfish crackers today.

The Funeral

2009-12-27T21:35:00.000-08:00

So, with all the new Christmas toys I decided to dis-infect all the others.

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH!!!!!!!!!!!!

The stuffed animals didn't get a break either.............

However............ one didn't make it out alive...........

So, we had a funeral............

Love you Teddy..........Sorry your guts fell out in the washer!

Happy Merry-Chris-Mouse-Turkey-Giving-Pizza Holiday

2009-12-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

So, the holidays are here. No denying that. I have accepted and mostly embraced this with the exception of the fact that I have not done any holiday shopping. The early bird gets the worm? The not-so-early bird gets the mouse, i suppose.

2 weeks ago, my sweet friend Tiff brought us some X-mas gifts and all the fixins for a X-mas dinner due to the fact that I was not sure how I was going to be able to afford anything for the holiday this year. Bless her heart. She is (once again) my angel. Well, I didn't have room in my freezer for the turkey so I put in the fridge and had planned to cook it last weekend for my birthday. Due to a chain of events I did not forsee (as always), this did not happen as planned.

The turkey thawed in the fridge for 4 days and has been there ever since. Today would be day 8 thawed - 12 total. After checking the internet, the general consensus was cook a turkey no more than 5 days after thawing in the fridge (9 including thaw time). Well, obviously the math on this one puts this turkey 3+ days overdue. ~~***Strike One****~~

My psuedo mother in law (Sasha's grandma) is in town this weekend until Monday night. I had planned to cook an early Christmas dinner on Sunday with Grandma Johnson, JJ, Zehn, Sasha and I. Because I had the turkey in the fridge that needed to be cooked, this seemed like the opportune time to use it. However, I was slightly hesitant to cook it after so much time had gone by. I didn't want to send my mother in law home for christmas with food poisoning.

I mindlessly pulled the turkey out of the fridge to smell it (as the all knowing internet suggested). I couldn't get a good enough smell through the bag, so stupidly I sliced the bag open with the knife. Simultaneously as I sliced the bag, I realized that regardless of the smell, I was not going to be able to put this turkey back into the fridge once it had been opened. ~~***Strike Two***~~

So, I wrestled with the decision to soak the turkey in brine water overnight and cook an early christmas dinner on saturday or just cook the turkey tonight. After realizing that I may be cooking a poison turkey either way, I decided just to cook it tonight and gamble on poisoning 2 of us rather than 5 of us.

I started preparing the turkey by pulling the skin back (very gross) and rubbing butter under the skin. As I was preparing the turkey, I saw something run across the kitchen floor out of the corner of my eyes. I immedieately stopped what I was doing, wiped the butter on my pants (so rachel ray), crawled on the kitchen table, and screamed for Zehn... (the man of the house).

We discussed the possibility of a mouse behind the oven and what to do. Poor Zehn, who was more scared than I, but felt it was his manly duty to take care of it, suggested we leave a trail of cheese from the oven to the back door to entice the mouse out of the house. He also announced that if the cheese didn't work, we would move on to marshmallows because no mouse can resist a marshmallow. He is very anti-killing. Even if it is a disease infested rodent, so his solution was to lead it out of the house.

I scaled the wall from the kitchen table and moved to a different room to let Zehn perform his magic. When I came back to the kitchen a short while later, one of the cheese pieces closest to the stove was missing. We decided this meant the mouse had left the house (hahahahaha) and went on with our night.

Not really thinking (DUH!!!) I turned on the oven to cook the turkey...... (mind you, we were now cooking a possible poison turkey). About 20 minutes into it, Zehn walked into the kitchen and immediately started gagging. Between choking on his gags he asked me what the horrible smell was. Now, I am aware that my kids aren't always racing to the dinner table to devour my cooking, but this was a totally different response than I had ever seen from him. I entered the kitchen and was slapped with the sicking smell of death.

Was the turkey really this poison? I opened the oven to smell and was welcomed with a mouth watering very delicious aroma. Whatever the smell of death was, was not coming from inside the oven. Then I remembered.......... the MOUSE!!!! We had never actually seen it exit from behind the stove.

GROSSSSSSSS!!!!!! ~~***STRIKE THREE****~~ (You're out!!!!!)

The moment I realized what the smell was, I literally almost threw up in my mouth. Along with our (possible poison) turkey, we were now cooking a mouse. I called my mom in a panic. Wondering what to do...... She (so wise as always :) ) advised me to turn off the oven, throw the turkey away and order pizza.

So, that's what we did. Thank you Papa John's for providing us with the perfect dinner minus the mouse droppings or poison salmonella. We love you and are thankful for the greasy calories that will make it difficult to fit into that perfect christmas dress.

After all said and done, I have decided I would much rather clean up a crispy mouse from behind the oven than a fresh squished mouse in a mouse trap. So there you go..... that is today's lemonade. Tomorrow I will deal with our "well done" delicasy that found it's final resting place under the stove.

R.I.P MR. Mouse. I hope your buddies got the picture.

Tomorrow

2009-12-14T11:38:00.000-08:00

I received this email from a dear friend of mine and loved it. Again, something that came at just the time I needed to read it. I forwarded it to everyone in my address book (even though I rarely forward emails, this one was too good to pass up). However there are so many people who read my blog that I don't have an email address for. I wanted to share. Hope you enjoy.

One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't "anymore". No more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more "just one minute." Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say"I love you."

So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick.. This is true for marriage.....And old cars... And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.

Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away or a sister-in-law after divorce. There are just some things that make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special.. And so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people I think of in the same way... Now it's your turn to send this to all those people who are "keepers" in your life, including the person who sent it, if you feel that way.. Suppose one morning you never wake up, do all your friends know you love them?

I was thinking....I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said.

Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do. And just in case I'm gone tomorrow.

I LOVE YOU!!!

Live today because tomorrow is not promised..

Love - Jenn

Hip Hop Christmas

2009-12-07T21:57:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Betcha didn't know our family was so talented, did ya??? Happy Holidays everyone!

Christmas Spirit has come to the Klimowicz-Johnson house

2009-12-06T08:26:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, the past couple months have been an emotional roller coaster for our family. I have been dreading the holiday season and "Christmas Cheer" among other things. However, the season is upon us and I can ignore it no longer. JJ and I had a long talk about how important it is for the kids to get to fully experience their childhood and this holiday season regardless of what is going on in our adult life. We debated back and forth if it was a good idea to take on Christmas together or start splitting time and holidays right away. We came to the conclusion that if we can get along, it is better for the kids for us to all be together. Here goes nothing.....

Phase 1 - The Backyard Blowup

The decorations started with Santa and the Polar Bear This happened almost by accident and was very spontaneous. It was starting to snow and i remembered from last year that it was impossible to put these bad boys up once the snow was already on the ground. So, I reluctantly pulled out the decorations and set to add some festivities to our backyard. I decided on the back yard rather than the front because we live on a very busy street and would virtually never see them if they were posted up in the front yard. This Christmas is all about the kids, so I wanted them to enjoy the toys. Sasha wasn't quite sure what to think when she first saw them. She kept peeking around the corner out the back door/window and giggling. She kept saying "Whas he doing?"

Phase 2 - The Jellyfish Dance

The "jellyfish" dance. I don't know if this is some weird ritual or a new tradition Zehn is starting for decoration day. However, it was quite funny and you can see Sasha in the background joining in the fun. She isn't quite as into the dance as Zehn though.

Phase 3 - Decorating the Tree

Zehn was in charge of taking things out of boxes. At least until the excitement overwhelmed him, at which point JJ took over that duty and Zehn just ran around as if he had lost his mind. It was so fun to watch how excited the kids were tonight.

Sasha didn't wait for the ornaments. She promptly found her sticker book and started decorating the tree with stickers. Beautiful work Sash!

Zehn was very particular about how these ornaments and decorations looked on the tree. I fear he may have some of his mother's OCD. Sorry kiddo.

I thought this was a sweet picture. Sasha really didn't care about me at all the entire night. She kept going to her dad for help and guideance. This solidified that it was a good idea for us to pull together for them tonight. They couldn't have been happier. And that makes me happy.

Our "happy" little tree. Decorated almost 100% by the kids. As it should be. Now we have to find something to put under and around it.......

I love this picture. Sasha looks like an angel in the middle of a glowing heaven.

Finished product and happy faces. I would say the night was a success.

Phase 4 - Playing in the snow with Santa

The night would not be complete without a family picture with our 2 newest family members.

And of course...... Zehn in his shorts snuggling up to Santa. I think he is trying to suck up for the Wii gaming system he wants this year. Good Luck on that one kiddo.

Overall this night turned out very pleasant. I was happily surprised and glad that we decided to do this. Ok, Christmas...... this mom is ready....... bring it on.

Sneaky Sasha

2009-12-05T12:39:00.000-08:00

So, with all the transitions in our house over the past couple months, bedtime was one of the first to go out the window. This is really sad because we had broken Sasha of the bottle habit and both kids were very good about being in bed at 8, 8:30 at the latest. However, as I fell apart, so did bedtime routines. Sash is back on the bottle and bedtime is pretty much whenever they pass out. Bad Mom.

Well, as I try to piece our life back together, the time has come to un-learn these bad habits and re-teach my kids a good bedtime routine. I thought we were doing pretty well the other night. I put the kids to bed and only got struggles until 9:00. (which is a miracle right now) The house was quiet and I assumed they were asleep so I crawled in my bed to do the same.

I got up around 10:00 to get a drink from the kitchen and as I walked back to my bedroom I noticed the rocking chair in the dark rocking itself. I looked a little closer and noticed Sasha sitting quietly in the rocking chair with a stack of books in her lap.

So i grabbed the camera and captured the moment.... BUSTED!!!

Who knows how long she had been there reading quietly in the dark, but how can you get mad at something like that. She thought she was in so much trouble. Just look at the fear in her face. :) We sat down and read together for about 20 minutes and then she went to bed quietly for the night.

My kids may get in trouble for a variety of things, but reading will never be one of them. Good Sneaky Sash.

Zehn Says..... IMAGINE.....

2009-12-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

Today when Zehn got home from school he ran in and excitedly asked me if he could go back to meet 3 girls at the flagpole (oh man....) because they were going to build a time machine. I walked back across the street to meet the girls and make sure that things were ok with this adventure.

As I suspected, even though the kids had great plans of building the time machine right then, the parents had different plans and that included taking the kids home for the day. So, the 3 girls and Zehn formed a plan to meet up tomorrow morning to start planning the best time machine ever. One girl took charge and assigned Zehn the task of finding metal. (I'm not sure that I am going to send him to school with a backpack of metal tomorrow though..... this time machine may have to be built out of plastic).

Anyhow, when we got home Zehn said to me "Mom, imagination is SOOOO important. Without imagination, we don't really even have a life". I thought long and hard about what he said and about how profound this statement could be in my life and the lives of others. Where in our life do we stop dreaming, imagining and believing that we can build a time machine out of metal (plastic) and a lightbulb. These kids are going back to visit the dinosaurs.

I am going to take this lesson that my son has taught me and begin to apply it in my life.

"Imagination is Soooo important. Without imagination, we don't really have a life........"

I challenge you to do the same. Dream......Inspire....Believe......

Love - Jenn

Sooooo Sad...............

2009-11-25T20:37:00.000-08:00

Halloween (better late than never)

2009-11-24T14:03:00.000-08:00

So I know this post is very outdated, but life has been crazy. I just wanted to catch everyone up on our "normal" ? life over the past month.

Halloween started out with Zehn's pumpkin slowly dying (just one of the casualties in our home this month) We had 4 other pumpkins from the pumpkin patch, but never got around to doing anything with them due to the chaos of the month. We kept Mr. Pumpkin face as long as we could, then he made the sad trip to the garbage.

The festivities started out with Zehn, who refused to commit to a Halloween costume. He just plain was not interested. We discussed it many times and looked through some at the stores, he just did not care to dress up. Well, after I sent him to school (costumeless) for the parade, I panicked, fearing once he showed up and was the only kid without a costume he would be upset. I grabbed a cowboy hat and ran it to the school only to find him happily holding the sign in front of his classroom. He didn't seem to notice or care that he was the only one not in costume. I begged him to at least wear the cowboy hat, and he finally complied.

Next, it was off to Sasha's school where she was dressed as Pippy Longstocking. She was very excited, as you can see here about the pumpkins and just being at school with her "friends" as she is every day.

Stage 2 of Halloween was at Tiff's house. We had a great halloween party and after searching the boxes, found both Sasha and Zehn's old costumes from last year. At least mom was satisfied. Again, I don't think either one of them cared at all. Zehn was a muscle man, Sasha a spider.

Jaden and Zehn getting ready for trick or treating. Isn't her cowgirl costume cute. I hear that Tiff had some issues with her not wanting to wear it either. What's wrong with kids and Halloween now days? They sure did look cute though.

My costume for everything that requires a costume for the past 6 years (toned down a bit this year) a wig and boa. Can never go wrong.

Back from Trick-or-Treating and Sasha found Kelly's wig. She apparently was not done dressing up for the night and thought she was some hot stuff. Then she decided to share the wig with her mom......

Boo Ya - Mom working the new kickboxing skills with the wig. There really is nothing that can even be said about this photo except, WOW.

So, that was our Halloween. It was fun and I think the kids had a great time. The only exception would be when a "statue" on one of the porches came alive behind Sasha and scared the *beep* out of her. The rest of the night she kept pointing at anything dressed in black and saying "HOLY MOLY". All in all, it was a success. Good Times

New Moon

2009-11-21T11:19:00.001-08:00

"A new moon signifies new beginnings, a time to release old habits, patterns, projects and anything that no longer serves us – and to begin something new, with a new vision and a clear focus. "

- The LOVEolution

I love how the universe brings us exactly what we need when we need it. I was cleaning out my junk email and a subject line caught my eye. It read "Has anyone else been experiencing some INTENSE emotions lately?" Usually I just clear out my junk mail in bulk, but for some reason I actually opened it and saw this email. I clicked on it and what I read was extremely shocking. I have heard all the hype of the NEW MOON as the release of this movie was only yesterday. Somewhere in the hype got lost the REAL new moon which took place on Monday of this week. As I read, this article shot chills through my body and it gave me more insight and strength into my situation. The opening quote of this blog is from the article I found in my junk mail. Junk? I think not! I plan to spend the day doing some research on the astrological New Moon (if I can weed through the movie hype). Thank you universe (and the inspiration to open my junk mail today) this truly is a time for change and letting go of things no longer useful to me in my life.

Updates

2009-11-18T22:44:00.001-08:00

I am aware that updates are in order....... but I'm soooooo busy and tired (and that is a great thing). I will update soon.......

The Water Bottle

2009-11-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

So, it looks like a simple normal water bottle, right? Well this water bottle has been the source of so much conflict between my kids I lost my head today as they fought over it for the 100000000th time again.

Ok, so let me back up. The day started out as normal. Breakfast, Barney, and fresh juice from the juicer (yes, I am diligently trying to wean myself off of my coffee addiction). Tiff called at 10 am to remind me of the hip hop class we had agreed to go to at 11. I got the kids ready and out the door in 1/2 hour (which is no small feat you will know if you have 2 wild animals for children).

We got the the gym and were absolutely ridiculously horrible at our ...um "hip hop dance" class. Ha ha ha ha. If you can even call what we were doing dance. There was a point that I turned to her and said as long as we keep jumping, maybe no one will notice we don't know what we are doing. No matter, it was great fun and I couldn't imagine a better saturday morning than making an ass out of myself with Tiff.

After a nice relaxing sit in the hot tub, we decided we better get on with our day. I went to the Kids Club to pick up Sasha and Zehn (who absolutely love going to the gym, and Sasha asks multiple times a day....."gym???") They came when I called them which is rare, so I'm not quite sure where this next part of uncontrollable aggression came from.

Yes I am...... the water bottle. This damn water bottle. You would think I would just buy them each their own, but no, I have not up to this point, been that smart. So, anyway as I was helping Sasha get her shoes on they spotted it in my gym bag. Zehn grabbed it and immediately Sasha reached for it and started whining. Well of course, Zehn wasn't handing it over. I could see the situation escalating and went from 0 - 100 irritated because we have had the "fighting over this very water bottle" talk 100 times.

I snatched the bottle out of Sasha's hands (who had somehow won the fight for the moment). As I lectured them on how annoying and tiresome this battle had become, in a moment of "mommy glory", I turned to Zehn first, aimed the bottle at his face and squirted. Then I turned to Sasha and did the same thing.

Awesome. Mom of the year. Both my kids were now crying and wet as I was preparing to take them into the blizzard snowstorm outside. Tiffany was laughing in horror and the girl sitting at the Kid's Care desk looked like she had also been a target of my uncontrolled spur of the moment waterfight. I wonder if she will ever let us back in there. We probably now have notes in our chart like Elaine from Seinfield and no one will ever take us again.

But guess what............. I got the water bottle!!! I win!! :)

I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES

2009-11-13T14:04:00.000-08:00

So, I know my posts lately have been .... um.... less than bright, to put it in a nice way. This is not me. Sure, I have my fair share of drama, and most would say enough to cover an entire city, but typically I try to keep a positive attitude. I have been pulling everything inside of me to continue believing in not only the order of the universe but miracles in general. Today i got a miracle.

Today marks a new day, a new song, a new future, a new life, a new happy ending, (and as Julie reminded me....a new moon). Some of you know what this miracle is, but due to superstition, I am choosing to keep it to myself for the time being. I don't want it to disappear like Cinderella's ball at midnight. But I did want to come on here and thank you all for your overwhelming support. I also want to thank the universe and let everyone know, that as hard as this past month has been, I have been holding on to my faith. Today i got a miracle. So, if things don't seem to be going your way...... BELIEVE....... Miracles happen to people who believe......

Re-claiming my wings......

2009-11-11T22:17:00.000-08:00

Chapter 2 ........

2009-11-11T10:57:00.000-08:00

Today WILL be a good day

Love & Light - Jenn

Wow

2009-11-10T23:19:00.000-08:00

I just got the verbal smackdown and GOD BLESS friends that aren't afraid to do it. However, I've seen your 110 pound body jump in between two huge men to stop a bar fight without a 2nd thought, so you've never been one to sit on the sidelines and watch people self destruct.

I love you Tiff. Thank you for your honesty. It is great to have a friend that you trust when you don't trust yourself. Your are my angel.

P.S. I don't want you to come to kickboxing with me so I can punch you a bit. :) I just want you to come back to Zumba with me so I'm not the only one that looks like I am having a seizure.

Love you!!!!!

The Cycle

2009-11-10T10:18:00.000-08:00

So, I finally broke down and gave in. JJ and I had the "talk" yesterday. This is where my mind starts to play tricks on me and my heart thinks it is in control of this operation. I asked him if I could come over after I got done with the gym. He said that would be fine, but wondered if I really wanted to come to his house because I HATE HIS HOUSE (for many reasons) and have for years. Too many bad memories, too many horrible things that happened there.

I agreed and so we decided he would come here. When I heard the knock on the door my heart skipped a beat. I opened it and saw him standing there. He looked scared, like he didn't know if I was going to stab him with a screwdriver or knock him out on the porch. I honestly had no idea what I was going to do exactly either, but when I saw him, my heart melted.

I stepped onto the porch and wrapped my arms around him and we hugged for about 5 minutes. The only thing I said to him was "what am I going to do with you"? He just shook his head and cried.

I invited him is and we sat and talked for close to 4 hours. I asked him all the questions that have been haunting me for 3 weeks and was satisfied (notice I did not say happy) with his answers. I felt like at least he was not trying to make excuses for his poor behaviors or even asking to be a part of this family again. He knew that what he had done was a deal breaker and appeared ready to accept whatever consequences came his way.

I was amazed that my anger seemed to just melt away and I felt so much compassion for this man. I told him I wished I could hate him forever because it would be so much easier. But I rarely can hold on to hate and anger longer than a few weeks at most. It just is not me. I told him that I forgive him, but I do not trust him and don't know if I will ever trust him again. He said he didn't blame me and he would be worried if I opened my arms back up to him immediately after his huge mistake.

The remarkable thing about our conversation is that as we spoke it was the song of my heart. I had not planned a single word that I was going to say, so when I heard myself tell him I forgave him, I wondered if I was going to regret that one later. But I don't regret saying it, nor do I feel like it was a premature thing to say. I do forgive him. I do not excuse him, or trust him. But as crazy as you all probably think I am......I forgive him.

The majority of the 4 hours we spent together was me getting things off my chest, and although he did apologize, he told me that saying "i'm sorry" could never erase what he had done or the hurt that he had caused me. I agreed. I called him a bastard many times and asked him "why". He said he didn't have an answer.

After 4 hours of "processing" I was exhausted to the core. I could barely keep my eyes open and told him I needed to take a nap and take some time to think about the things we had just discussed. We hugged, said goodbye and made no decisions about the future other than the fact that Sasha and Zehn were always to be the priority in our decision making.

Later that evening about 5:30, Zehn's dad bailed out again on picking him up for his day. JJ and Zo are both on the Monday, Wednesday schedule although Zo seems more to be on whatever the hell schedule he wants to be on. When I was the one that showed up to pick up Zehn from school, he asked where his dad was. I told him he had to work. Zehn said "why do our dads keep making bad decisions?" He was very sad, old enough to understand his dad continues choosing work and other over him.

He was sort of kicking leaves as he walked and said "I really miss Sasha. How can we help JJ make better decisions so he can be part of our family again?" My heart broke again for this innocent little man who not only wrote off his own dad when he didn't show up, but wanted to help his sister's dad in anyway so we could have him be part of the family again. I said "I don't know that we can baby. People have to make their own choices in life and that is why it is so important for you to make good ones."

These conversations are becoming very very draining as it seems like I am having to have major life lesson conversation with him many times throughout the day. Things a 7 year old should not have to be worrying about. However, at least I am the one that gets to do it..........I guess. But it is hard explaining grown up problems to a child. I don't lie to my children, so finding age appropriate explanations are becoming harder and harder.

We got home and I started making dinner. He mentioned again how much he missed his sister and he really wished that he could see her. Now, this is where I am not sure if my decisions turned from good to bad, but in light of the events of the whole day which included not seeing sasha for 4 days, making peace with JJ, Zo bailing out on Zehn, and me being completely broken down mentally and physically again, I sent JJ an text and invited them over for a bit. He said ok.

When the doorbell rang, you would have thought it was christmas. Sasha and Zehn were laughing and hugging and rolling around and jumping on the couch and smiling and happier than I have seen either one of them in a while. Zehn ran to JJ and gave him a huge hug and said "I have missed you SO much". I looked at JJ and he looked like he wanted to cry. Zehn must have told him 5 different times throughout the night how much he had missed him. He also must have showed JJ every toy, trick and invention he could think of (even though I am sure that JJ has seen them all multiple times).

I knew that Zehn had been missing him, but it was not apparent until that moment just how much he really cared for JJ. After all, JJ has been there for more of his life than his own father, as we started dating when Zehn was only 3. This was a bittersweet sight because I am still pretty set on not allowing JJ back into our lives in the way he has been in the past.

Sasha, also was noticibly more excited. She kept running around saying "daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy, daddy, mommy", like she couldn't believe she had us both in one room again. These kids had more energy than if they ate 100 sugar cubes and were smiling from ear to ear. To see pure joy in my kids again was again, very bittersweet.

So now what...... this is were the cycle always continues and what I had feared most about even seeing him ever again. Although I knew that was not a possibility due to the fact that we have a child together. How do I look the man I love in the eyes and tell him essentially he is not good enough for our family. This has been the question haunting me for 3 weeks. I was feeling about as strong as I could be yesterday and still couldn't say it. All I could say to him was that I didn't know if I would ever trust him again and without trust, you have no relationship.

So, I guess I will just keep doing what I am doing. Breathing, going to the gym, being a mom, trying to be strong enough to keep JJ at an arms length since I have been so adament that that is what needs to happen this time. But the mind is a tricky tricky thing and already I am wondering if that is really the best thing in the long run.......

One of the toys Zehn was teaching JJ to make last night was one of the "fortune toys" Remember the ones we used to make in school that you write questions and answers on then use your 4 fingers to count out the correct number until you open it up to your fortune. Maybe I will have him make me a fortune toy for my life. This would all be so much easier if i could count out on a piece of paper what the future will bring.....

Failed..

2009-11-09T08:53:00.001-08:00

Gonna cave...... I miss him too much.

Miracles

2009-11-08T20:33:00.001-08:00

God Bless Miracles...... you know who you are..........

Ha Ha Life!!!

2009-11-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

I made 3 separate "play dates" today with 3 sets of people that I haven't seen in some time. They are some of my favorite people in this world, so I was looking forward to our play dates.

As luck would have it at this phase in my life, the phone I have been using got dropped while I was raking leaves and broke. Hahahahahaha. Not too big of a deal because I have been using our alternate number to block JJ's calls and avoid seeing or sending any hurtful text messages. Well, it has been 3 weeks now and I should be able to go back to my original phone and control myself, right?

The phone is in Heber being babysat by Grandma and Grandpa right now so I thought I would take a nice sunday drive up to retrieve my lonely abandoned phone. I grabbed my purse and checked my wallet for my bank card knowing I would need to get gas..........No Card.

Thank you Sasha.. I am sure she has hidden it somewhere as this is one of her favorite 'tricks' to play on Mommy. Although since she is with J, I can't ask her to show me where it is this time.

So..... no card.....no gas.....no trip to heber.....no phone.....no playdates :(

Sarah, Robb, Melissa and Natalie........ come to me baby. I can't even call or communicate with any of you to let you know what's going on.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

For some reason, this is absolutely hilarious to me and I am laughing out loud as I type this. Sorry guys. Obviously my sense of humor has found it's way back home. I hope none of you get your feelings hurt too bad when I don't answer any of your calls or texts. LMAO.

If you do happen to read this, or anyone else for that matter.......come on over. I'm cooking a yummy roast for dinner and obviously won't be going anywhere.

P.S. God totally has a sense of humor.

Goals........

2009-11-07T21:45:00.001-08:00

I am mad I sold my guitar..... I am going to buy a new one tomorrow.....

Apologize????

2009-11-07T21:28:00.001-08:00

I know it's old, but so fits my life...... (plus, I'm old)

Tiffany my angel

2009-11-07T21:18:00.001-08:00

Today was a good day..... and it started out with a jolting phone call from Tiff when I had planned to sleep the day away in despair.

The conversation went something like this:

Tiff: "Get up"
Me: "I'm sleeping"
Tiff; "I've had an epiphiny from Tiffany
Me: "Are you drunk"
Tiff: "No.... you have refused to label JJ as your boyfriend all summer. You have told us all that you are not in a "relationship" with him, when we all could see that you were.... why do you think that is......"
Me: "????????"
Tiff: "Because you KNEW this was coming..... you KNEW he was going to screw it up, so stop feeling sorry for yourself...get out of bed, and you have a hip hop class to be to in 1 hour.
Me: "I haven't had coffee yet, you better slow yourself down girlfriend...."
Tiff: "You better go make yourself some coffee and get your ass to hip hop"

Have i ever told you how much I love this girl????

She is my soul sista!!!! You are my angel TIff!!!!

My Girl

2009-11-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

So, it's JJ's weekend with Sasha, which means I won't see her until Tuesday due to the way our days/weekends worked last year. We haven't kept track of days or weekends for close to 8 months because most days we spent as a family, the 4 of us.

It is only 7PM and I am sick. I miss my girl so bad, which in turn makes me miss the life I had become so accustomed to over the summer and had fallen very much in love with.

I just got back from the gym hoping it would be the distraction/release of anxiety needed to get me through the night. However, it's not looking good considering we have not even been home an hour and as I write this, tears are rolling down my cheeks.

I don't feel strong enough for this. Not today. I keep trying to chalk it up to a bad day, but in reality i know it is because I have begun mourning the death of a marriage of hearts. I am lost.... and starting to think that this is going to break me.

Please send positive energy.........my broken heart is loosing the will to keep beating and every breath I take reminds me that I am still alive, but in an alternate universe. Today is the hardest day to date.

Breathe....

2009-11-06T15:26:00.001-08:00

Morning Texts

2009-11-04T08:00:00.001-08:00

I miss waking up to text messages in the morning. :(

Waiting for the rain

2009-11-03T16:17:00.000-08:00

I can't wait until it rains again.... I am dying to dance in the rain.

(and no, for those of you who are wondering, this is not a picture of me.... it is just a picture I absolutely love because it represents freedom and naked cleansing of the soul...... isn't it beautiful!)

Today I have had a flood of emotions. Not prepared for any of them, but I'm starting to think that my present life consists of blindsided emotional moments.... "tests" so to speak. I am wearing them the best I can and making the most of each opportunity as it comes into my life. Although I am feeling week today, overall I feel stronger every day.

However, I need to thank a special someone for making yesterday unexpectedly fantastic. You were just the medicine I needed. Good Friends are Gold. I love all of you. Especially the ones that read in the shower. :)

The Butterflies are Born

2009-11-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, Zehn's teacher sent home 2 live caterpillars that if we cared for properly were supposed to turn into butterflies. I was skeptical and frankly was not too happy that his teacher sent these home for me to be in charge of (yes, I know I am a grinch). Anyway, much to our surprise. They did exactly what they were supposed to do.

I was home alone when the first one was born. I almost had a heart attack and called my mom at work for help. Luckily she had a school teacher standing right there when I called who has done the butterfly experiment in her classroom. My mom handed over the phone and she walked me through what to do.... which turned out to be absolutely nothing. HAHAHAHa. (except I did poke the butterfly with a pen to see if it was alive).

Anyway, they both hatched and the kids were so excited. Me, not so much because now I had to find a way to keep them alive.......................Well,

I failed....................

The butterflies didn't make it. Zehn wants to keep one for a souviner. I told him we could have a funeral in the yard. These butterflies were doomed from the beginning anyway..... what teacher hatches butterflies in November anyway?????

We are 0 for 2 right now. The butterflies kicked the bucket and the jumping beans jumped away. Z's teacher and I will be fighting if she sends home any more live experiments.

Back Posts

2009-11-03T14:05:00.000-08:00

I know that a few weeks ago I made the claim that I was going to start back posting pictures and stories from this summer because this year had been the best year I have possibly had in a decade. Well, in light of the situation as it has unfolded, i am not strong enough to go back through all those pictures and memories yet. I think my time is best used "posting forward". It is important for me to heal my body, mind and spirit through this life challenge.

I started with my body by taking some very very intense dance classes. My body is always the last thing I take care of so I thought I would try something different this time. It appears to be working well. However, I find today is tough. I am having emotions and feelings I was not wanting to feel even though I know they are part of the healing process. I don't want to go to the gym, but feel like today more than any other it is probably important for me to go.

I am healing my mind by using my writing and words to quiet the noise. It also has been working very well. But again, today I am restless and feeling the void louder than I have the past 2 weeks.

So, I am moving to the next step... spirit. My definition of spirit is more diverse and nontraditional than many I have grown up with. My spirit is strong and I have a very intense spirituality. The way I am going to feed my spirit right now is to focus on feeding positive energy back into the world. I have another blog that I have not published yet that I am using for positive messages, quotes, and simple pleasures. Although these other blogs are giving me a great deal of release and healing power, I am ready to take it to the next level.

So.... all this rambling does have a purpose. Some of you know my goal and I have spoken with you about my "project" for over a year now. I feel like the time is right for this "project" to be born.

I need your help. I need you to send me your favorite, most inspirational quotes, thoughts or anything that makes you smile in your heart. This can be something that is inspiring, thought provoking or just plain happy. I have a vision and am going to start building this for not only my spirit, but others.

You can send me this info to my email
jenn.k.loves@gmail.com

I will give credit where credit is due as I build my new blog. If you don't want me to use your name, please let me know that when you send me your info. Thanks everyone for your help and support. I can't believe the outpouring of love that has been handed to me these past 2 weeks.

My Day

2009-11-02T19:39:00.000-08:00

I had a fabulous day today, and I wanted the world to know.

Love - Jenn

Silver Sneakers.......

2009-11-02T12:32:00.001-08:00

Stay tuned for the adventure of the morning..... it's absolutely freakin hilarious (or at least we thought so... and we are the funniest girls on the planet) I wonder how it's always Tiff and I that end up in these situations.

I love you Tiff-a-hiti.

You's my ninja

Our First Snow

2009-11-01T20:53:00.000-08:00

How much fun is snow. Especially when Grandma Johnson gives you sweet rain boots that double as snow boots. I love this first picture because Sasha is catching snowflakes on her tongue. I love having her home with me on Tue and Thur. I am working towards 5 days a week. I love this girl. She is my mini me and we dance all day when we are home together. I love you Sasha. You and your brother give me a purpose to life and I can't imagine life without you.

I love you - Mommy.

Nobody seems to care.........

2009-11-01T16:01:00.000-08:00

Yes, JJ, this is our song..... you know the one..... this is the one that we have had the most intimitate moments listening to. Well, I am listening to it right now. I am listening to it and am terrified of the feelings it would flood through my body, but you know what.....

This is amazing.... I realized that every second......Every second. Every intimate moment. Every kiss. Every giggle. Every secret. Every word. Every breath I gave you was real. I gave you everything. And this gives me peace. I am broken that we didn't share the same intensity or level of honesty, but I am at peace with the fact that every last word, promise and breath you were given from me was real. It was my gift to you. My love for you was something that I felt so strongly about that I was willing to put myself in a place of total vulnerability to make it happen.

It is devastating that the story ended this way because I wanted to save those moments for someone who apprecieated them to the fullest, but I can sleep at night because I know that I gave you everything.......EVERYTHING.

I love you, I always will, but I love the fact that I love myself enough to walk away from someone who doesn't appreciate the magic in my soul. I am made of magical things and if you don't see that, then I must walk away. And I do it with peace, and pride.

Thank you for the wonderful times. Thank you for the memories we have shared. Thank you for the beautiful daughter that you have given me. I am sad that you could not give me yourself, but I am at peace because I gave you me. All of me. And the best part is I still have all of me to give to someone who will appreciate it for what it is. And I am ready to move on to that stage of my life. I may need some time to lick my wounds, but someone very lucky is just about to share the love of their life with me and my beautiful family.

Again, I love you. I hope you can learn to love yourself the way that I love you.

And guess what....... "nobody seems to care" is a hell of a song, but a crock of shit, because JJ...... everyone seems to care..... I hope you can find that in your heart.

Bye Bye My Space

2009-10-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

So I have taken every precaution to make sure that I handled this situation with as much grace as humanly possible and feel like so far have been doing a pretty good job.

1 - I turned off my phone, put it in a box and sent it to my parents house to be mailed back to me when I was strong enough to turn it on again. ( I tend to send very angry, vicious texts when I am hurting....and I am hurting....bad). I felt like this was a good move. (notice I even wrote some inspirational words on the back of the package to remind me when I get it in the mail) I love mail!!!!

2 - I joined a gym and have been to some very intense cardio dance classes including kickboxing, Zumba, and Hip Hop at least once a day, but am not afraid to go twice or three times if the moment calls for it. (plus it will give me a rockin bathing suit body just in time for snowpants).

3- I broke down and went to the doctor and got on meds.

4 - I have started reconnecting with old friends who are not quite the bandaids my kids, but have put a great deal of neosporin on my owies..... I feel them starting to heal.

However, I am now finding myself at the point in the greiving process where I am past my selfish anger and now want him to feel the pain. And I mean FEEL THE PAIN. I have a MySpace account that I have not used in over a year, as I am now a Facebook junkie. However, I know he uses it on a daily basis. I have found myself logging on the past couple days and making "posts" that if he just so happened to read, might stir up some anxiety in him the way I am suffocating in anxiety.

My posts have started to get meaner and meaner. Today I decided to take the high road. I am not a mean person, and I do not have to make him hurt in order for me to heal (although I'm not gonna lie, it does bring a fair amount of pleasure). I am better than this and the only way for me to heal is through LOVE. Hateful, hurtful posts do not fall under that category.

Since I have little self control (thus the phone sitting in a box in heber waiting to be mailed back) I made the decision........

5 - MySpace has to go.

I did it, and I feel great. One step at a time.

Now I'm going to kickboxing.

Thank you all for your support and willingness to hold my heart in your hands as I work through this chapter of my life. I love you.

It's Time

2009-10-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Today I am looking to the sky. Today I see a silver lining. This ....um.... experience (a.k.a. hell on earth) that I have been given has given me 2 choices...

Sink or Swim

I choose swim. I have found a new center inside myself that I may not have found had I not been crushed under the weight of betrayal and broken dreams. I have done a lot of soul searching and I realized, my dreams have not been broken. They have only been altered. In addition, I realized that what I THOUGHT were my dreams really weren't all that ambitious.

I am too powerful, spiritual and strong to reach for the trees. I'm strapping on the rocket and coming to the stars baby. Some people are given simple lives and use them for putting positive energy into the world. Others are given challenging lives and use them to inspire others. I fit in the 2nd category. And I accept the challenge.

I will walk strong through this second in eternity just like every other challenge I have survived. Thank you God for giving me a purpose in life.

Love and Light - Jenn

My Awesome Night

2009-10-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

That's me..... on the right in the boots.

Ok, so that's not really me and the ghost of Michael Jackson, but I decided to do something for myself today. I keep saying that I have to be healthy before I can help my family.

I signed up for a gym that offers every sort of dance class from Zumba, Boot Camp, Yoga, Pilates, Hip Hop, and everything in between.

Tonight was Hip Hop and I learned the true blue Thriller dance. I must say I was the shiz-nit. I haven't had this much fun in months and the release that came from dancing was more theraputic than any anti-psychotic meds that are on the market.

I think tomorrow will be Zumba..... Wednesday is Kick Boxing. It is great to find a positive release for all this pent up energy.

Anyway, this may be a new career move for me........ I think they are missing a key player in the Thriller video now...... This just might be my big break :)

It's good to smile again.

Today's Oxy-moron.

2009-10-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am one of those people now. I heart stabalization meds. I mean I really REALLY heart the meds i am taking. And no, I am not talking about Midol or Pamprin. Thanks to an intuitive mother who INSISTED that I see a crisis doctor immediately, I am on some very very heavy duty anti-anxiety meds. The big league. I have spent my life protesting medicating people. Guess I'll just chalk this one up to eating more "I will never......" words. My mouth has become quite full of those bold naieve claims from early in my innocent life. (Ok, so we all know I didn't have an "innocent" live, but that is neither here nor there)

I guess this makes me a hypocrite considering that it was drugs that started this whole downward spiral. And if I hate anything with all my heart and soul right now, it would be drugs. Not sure if it make a difference that my drugs are legal and for stabilization while his were illegal and used as an escape from reality. Either way, if these meds I am on take away the burning desire to smash dishes through the window, scrub the sewer with his toothbrush, or slash the tires on his car, then I will wear the scarlet letter H on my forehead with pride. And they do. I guess Mom still knows best and has the final say even when you are 31 years old.

So here is my confession..... Hi, my name is Jenn. I am a hypocrite, but at least I am a stabilized hypocrite and I am not typing this using my nose while being restrained in a straight jacket at UNI.

Thank you god that I am not typing this from the coockoo house.

Today

2009-10-26T10:12:00.003-07:00

Today I did a good thing. And I feel happy about it.

Pick a card....any card....

2009-10-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

Me do thinks this is how I am going to pick my day from now on.... a sort of "smiley roulette".

If I don't like what I get, I will put it back in the bag and pick another.

Cause I can!!! It's my game and I will make the rules.

Simple as that.

Hope

2009-10-25T14:47:00.000-07:00

Today, i am embracing hope.

I believe that God gets it right. We may not understand why or how, but I think that each experience is a gift. Thank you god for giving me this gift. I hope I can make some sense of it soon.

Today is one of not only peace, but joy. This gives me solitude and I am reflecting on my blessings, hope and opportunities for the future. Sometimes holding on to what we think we want is not always the best thing. Opportunities and miracles come knocking at the door every day. If we are too busy making "to do" lists of our lives, we miss out on magical opportunities.

Happy Moments

2009-10-25T02:29:00.000-07:00

Happiness is rebuilt in small moments. You know, the ones that don't seem life changing as you are experiencing them, but once you collect enough of them, they add up to one big happy smile.

I got one tonight and wanted to thank the universe for sending me the perfect happy moment at the perfect time. And yes dad, I do believe that through this strange re-introduction of an old awesome friend, this was meant to come into my life at this exact moment.

Thank you Robb. You brought a big piece of puzzle happiness tonight and left it in my smile. It was so good to see you again.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

2009-10-24T12:34:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost....I am helpless.

It isn't may fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in this same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in....it's a habit....but,

my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

* Taken from the book There's a Hole in My Sidewalk written by Portia Nelson.

Thank you Portia, you couldn't have said it better.

Thank You

2009-10-22T20:10:00.000-07:00

Today I called my mom in a moment of overwhelming anxiety over something that should have been totally managable. Due to my state of mind this week it pushed me over the edge. I practically hung up on her and had what might be described as a nervous breakdown on the floor of my house.

Momma's intuition told her an intervention was in order and 45 minutes later she and my dad were standing at my door. After a night of McDonalds for the kids, a call to the doctor for anti-anxiety meds for me, and a very much needed distraction for us all, the kids are in bed and I am on my way as well, praying for a nightmare-less night.

Thank you Mom and Dad for helping me and my family today. I know this is gonna be a tough fire to put out, but you definitely did your part tonight.

We love you. - Jenn, Zehn and Sasha

Worst Day

2009-10-22T15:21:00.001-07:00

I wonder if anyone ever really has the perspective to know that yes..... today is the worst day of my life.

Just a thought.

Fresh Face

2009-10-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a new day today....starting with a new blog layout. It's is a simple task that I can see tangible results quickly. Baby steps back to bigger ponds. Today will be a good day.

Basic Survival Instincts

2009-10-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

I am always fascinated by the coping mechanisms we intrinsically have when staring trauma in the face. I have been digging deep for any basic survival instincts just to do the day to day chores. Things like getting out of bed, bathing my children, feeding them and maintaining presentable composure as I talk with others. This has taken every ounce of strength I have had over the past 2 days.

And then I remember….. Zehn’s dermatologist appointment is today to get his mole checked for possible cancer. Really God, today? Well, God didn’t have to tell me because the calendar did. “Zehn’s dermatologist appt, 2:30 p.m. w/ Dr. Christopher Hull” Thank you calendar. I will remember this as I am using you to start a fire in my fire-pit next summer.

Anyhow, there it is. So I take a deep breath, shower, put on my makeup, I even curl my hair and put a load of laundry in the wash. I have been feeling better this morning due to the band-aids my children put on my heart last night. I can do this and this will be a step back towards life as normal.

How silly our minds can be, playing tricks on us when we are standing in the middle of a shit-storm.

So, as I sit in the waiting room with Zehn, the reality of this week starts to set in, of course waiting for the most opportune time of weakness to attack (checking your child for possible cancer). Awesome. Thank you erratic emotions.

As I sit in the waiting room feeling my heart begin to race and my breath becoming shallow, I know I have to do something to bring down the blood pressure, and FAST.

Numbness. Works every time. And it did this time too.

So, I can’t help but look around at the receptionist, man in the wheelchair, nurses and people walking hurriedly in the hallway. I wonder if any of them are experiencing the same degree of pain and broken dreams and yet holding it together knowing that if they let go, it’s over. When the flood gate is open there is no “putting a cork in the bottle”.

My mind and body seem to be on auto-pilot at this point, working together still somehow, but with no assistance from me. My mind wanders to the last time I felt this type of out-of-body experience. I can only remember experiencing it once. It was after leaving the hospital empty handed when I was supposed to be bringing home my 2nd child, Dominic.

We had gone to the mall to buy me a “souvenir” (or maybe more politically correct, a “tangible memory”) of my pregnancy and child that I would never see grow into a man. I can remember feeling very foreign in my body and wondering how anyone could be walking and smiling. After all, my world had come to a screeching halt. As we searched for the bracelet that was just perfect for engraving his name and birthday, I remember wondering if anyone, or everyone knew about the perfect storm raging in my soul.

Here I am, having it again. At least we are in the hospital so if I loose my breath and can’t recover it someone can help me find it. This seems like a viable possibility at this moment. I feel sick. I look around for the nearest bathroom because I can feel my lunch working its way up. I have already thrown up 3 times today. Then I remember I didn’t eat lunch, or breakfast, or anything yesterday either. What on earth could be making its way up my esophagus screaming to get out?

Poisonous hate, lies, betrayal, a brain disease, possible cancer, and shattered dreams. That’ll do it.

The doctor calls us back. I feel myself walking down the hallway and into the room. I am holding Zehn’s hand so I know he is close. But I can’t see or hear a thing. We sit in the chairs waiting for the doctor to come in. He enters the room. He is nice. Until his face changes. He doesn’t have to say a word, I want to throw him against the wall and say “I dare you to give me bad news right now”. Obviously he does not read my mind. He tells us that he is concerned. He wants to do a biopsy and because of Zehn’s age it will have to be done in the O.R. under anesthetic. He tells us that they will have to remove the nail and cut out a piece of the skin under Zehn’s cuticle.

Here comes my lunch. I say ok….ok….OK!!!! I need the doctor to leave the room and do it FAST. I can see Zehn doesn’t understand everything, but he understands enough to be loosing the color in his face as well. His poor little chest starts to move a little faster and he starts to breathe a little deeper. I can see him trying to be brave. If he can be brave then I HAVE to. There is no question about this, but making this a reality is a whole other story. I have stopped listening to the doctor and start pleading with God to give me anything to deal with this moment, including making the doctor leave.

God did both. The doctor left and I turned to Zehn and asked him if he understood. He said he did and that his throat was making him feel like he needed to throw up. What a pair we were. I grabbed the garbage can just in case. How do you hold your children and tell them everything is going to be OK, when you are pretty sure that things are NOT going to be OK? In fact things at this moment are as far from OK as they have been in a year.

I turn to him, kiss him on the nose and say “baby, things are going to be OK”. And I mean it. I don’t know where the words came from, but when they left my mouth they were authentic. Maybe I ate a demon, or an angel. Eating anything at this point would be a good idea. No matter, because I said it and I meant it. I watch as the worry and stress melt off his face.

The doctor comes back in and gives us the name of the primary children’s doctor we need to contact for the surgery. I say thank you.....thank you??? HA! I put on my sunglasses, signaling I am ready to leave. I don't care if the appointment is done, because I am. And with that, I crack. Silent tears streaming down my face as we walk out of the office, down the long cooridor of the hospital and into the car. My one goal is to make damn sure that Zehn does not see these tears. I am soooooo thankful I brought in my sunglasses. As I drive to our house feeling the numbness wearing off like the ice in a doomed popsicle in the hot summer sun, I look into the rear-view mirror and see a smile on Zehn’s face. A small victory, but a victory none-the-less. At least for the moment, Zehn is not worried or scared.

Once home, I set him up with a loud distraction and walk to the bathroom. After throwing up once again, regaining the breaths I held so firmly as we drove, and wiping the mascara from my eyes, I am ready for the day…… again.

One day at a time……..not just for AA……..

7-11

2009-10-21T18:22:00.001-07:00

Today the cashier at 7-11 bid me farewell by wishing me to "have a great day". Oh, Mr. 7-11 man, I know your intent was all well and good, but I have never wanted to spit on someone so bad.

My 2 Little Band-aids

2009-10-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

When life gets tough, I can't help but remember my blessings. I have 2 little band-aids that can ease the pain of a broken heart. I am lucky to be their mommy. It is hard not to feel at least a fair amount of release and joy when I look at the light in their eyes and the joy in their souls. Thank you Zehn and Sasha for giving me a reason to continue fighting.

Example #1

Yesterday Zehn brought home a paper from school for the Reflections contest. We were discussing what it was all about and brainstorming ideas for his submission. This year's theme is "Beauty is......". Zehn told me that he didn't understand what that meant. I told him that he was supposed to think about what was beautiful to him. I asked him what he thought was beautiful. He looked at me and without hesitation said "You mommy......."

My heart melted and his words took my breath away. Those words put a little band-aid on my heart.

Example #2

It took all my strength to go through the nightly routine of feeding, bathing, and reading to the kids. Thank goodness I have such amazing friends as Tiff brought us some homemade chicken noodle soup so my kids didn't eat goldfish crackers for dinner 2 nights in a row. As I was getting them out of the bath, I apologized for being such a bad mommy 2 days in a row. I promised them I would do the laundry and the dishes tomorrow. Zehn turned to me and said "Mom, the laundry doesn't need to be done for you to be a good mommy". And I realized that he is right.

Example #3

As I was rocking Sasha and singing to her before bedtime, she started stroking my face and saying "pretty mommy.....pretty mommy". As if this wasn't enough, she said "Shhh mommy, my sing". I stopped singing to her, to let her do the singing. She kept stroking my face and began singing "oh mommy I wuv you.....oh mommy I wuv you"

Magic!

Thank you God, for giving me 2 little band-aids.

When Life Happens.

2009-10-19T14:55:00.000-07:00

What do you do, when life runs away? What about the moment you realize that you TRULY have no control. How do you cope. This is a scary moment of reality, as you watch the people around you virtually scooping up your life into a bag of experiences you may or may not have asked for.

I try to be positive. I try to see every opportunity as one with faith. I believe in growth and experiences that foster that. However, what if you want to cash in your sick pay on the "growth meter" . I am frantically looking for the pause button, but I think someone stole it. Maybe it got stolen back when my innocence was stolen. Maybe i misplaced it. If only it were that simple.

So, the question is, is loss of innocence and faith good, or bad, or does it even matter???? I don't ever want to be a cold, bitter, angry, regretfull person. However, it seems that life wants to test that statement all too often. I'm not quite sure how much lemonade I need, but the fridge is full.

Thank you life, please offer someone else some lemonade now.

The Reason For Sasha's Bottle-Break-Away......

2009-10-15T21:44:00.000-07:00

The proof is in print....... I dare you to challenge me on this one...... addiction sucks... for the addict and the family of...... (test me on this...I dare you.)

Our New Set-up.....

2009-10-15T20:54:00.000-07:00

With winter right around the corner, we decided we needed to take swift action in our home if any of us were going to be able to survive the couped up months. We turned a small area into our living room into a "kid zone" equipt with toys, a couch (made from a crib mattress and pillows), a TV, some video games (sure to give any 1977 games a good run, based on the fact that I despise video games), and a hardwood floor for injuries and oil wrestling (minus the oil wrestling.....it just sounded fun). Good Luck winter.... you have met your match. (or something like that........)

The Newest 2 Members of our Family

2009-10-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

When I was in school, I don't remember being sent home with 2 live caterpillars, but apparently school is not what it used to be. Today, Zehn came home with 2 live caterpillars that we are suppose to nurture and turn into butterflies. So far, I have killed 3 fish, sent away one dog, one cat and barely fed my children...... Good luck Butterflies.

TIME TO PLAY CATCH UP

2009-10-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

After my USB connector broke and I have been unable to transfer pictures from my camera to my computer, I realized that Facebook is probably not the most practical way for me to share pictures any longer as I have over 300 new pics from the past month or so. I am going to attempt to play catch up with this blog starting from the beginning of 2009. This year has been absolutely amazing and I want to have a chronicle to be able to look back on not only for myself, but my family and friends as well.

I am still fairly new to the blog world (although I did set up a scrapbook blog in about 48 hours) so bear with me while I figure this out. I am hoping that I can back-date posts and give stories along with the photos.

Stay tuned. Here goes nothing.

Family Day at Wheeler Farm

2009-10-10T10:04:00.000-07:00

Our Family is crazy...... we yell and we say a lot of swear words.... but we love each other harder than 90% of families I know. Thanks Guys. You are my sanctuary...... we have been to hell and back and we are stronger than steel. Nothing can break us. I love you. All three of you. Tantrums and all (yes, J, that includes you)

JJ and Sasha. These 2 are BFF's

Oh, ya know...... just chillin.......

I want one...... (enough said)

The ducks that thought they were flamingos (notice they are all standing on one foot.....)

Zehn thought he should ride in the stroller, JJ didn't........ guess who won.....

I have the cutest kids on earth..... challenge me.... I dare you.

Yeah, that's right.... my kid's are on the pot........

Whatcha doin kids?!?!?!?!?!

Picture # 3 before the goose....

Picture # 2 before the goose.....

Picture #1 before the goose......

THE GOOSE......(almost took sasha's hand)

LOOK DAD!!!!!!! I still have both hands...... (even though those 2 moms walking past us couldn't stop laughing because you swallowed your weight in air when the goose snapped at me,......)

This is my world now.......

Where we going brother........?????????

We are outttttta here sis....

.............as long as we have candy....

AND a rodent ( a ferret, which Sash HATED, BTW)

Da pumpkin patch

Sasha's pumpkin

Zehn's pumpkin

Camera wars with dad.......

We traded in some goods for this video camera..... Sash was getting too old, and too cute, and too mouthy for us to miss the moment. Grandma and Grandpa Johnson have given us too much to miss out on Sasha's precious moments. We are ready.......set.......GO.

My babies.....

My family.

Sasha's School Picture Day

2009-10-08T20:56:00.000-07:00

Picture day would be soooooo much better with blue rubber boots.......

These boots are SO cute.

So, apparently picture day didn't go so great. When I went to pick up Sasha from school, they informed me that they like to watch her throw tantrums because she has "5 year old" tantrums. ?!?!? My girl is 2. What is 5 year old about that. I guess the combo of her daddy and I makes her 5. Awesome. Anyhow, she looked darling, but apparently pulled her ponytail out right before pics were shot. Her sweet teacher was frantically trying to tame the wild hair with a baby wipe before the photographer shot the pic. Can't wait to see these pics. Good job Sash......

This is us.....

2009-08-01T16:43:00.000-07:00

This is us....

We are not traditional and we don't want to be. I have spent years coddling the internal pull for a "traditional life". However, over the past 12 months I have embraced "what is" and since that moment have had happiness beyond anything I have ever known.

We live and love more than most people I have ever met. We embrace every moment for what it is.... memory experience or learning experience. I wouldn't change one second of my life thus far. Would I repeat it in the future....probably not... but isn't that what learning is all about.?!?! Mistakes are only mistakes when repeated.

JJ, I love you. You are my embankment in the rapids of the river we call life. Sasha and Zehn, you are my life jacket. Zo, right now you are the rocks that cause the rapids, but I love you because you are the beauty of the river. Without you, we would have no rapids. And regardless of the past, or choices..... you are one of my soulmates. I hope to find peace with you in the future.

Thank you all for giving me life and love. I would be less without your souls, but I would not be zero.... for I am complete.

To all the friends I have not kept in contact with..... please accept my apology. I love you in the same manner as the last time I saw you, but my journey has taken me to a place of wonderment and exploration. I have found my center. I have it now and would love to bring you back into my life for whatever purpose it may bring.....

Love and Light and Peace Forever -

Jenn

Here we are

2009-08-01T14:41:00.000-07:00

Well, thanks to my mother (who asked if the internet was open on sunday), I have decided to join the world of blogging. I have actually opened 3 separate accounts for 3 separate purposes..... see if you can find my others ;)

Anyhow, this seems to be the hot shizzle these dizzles so I am going to hop on the train. This is my personal blog and will be used to update friends and family of the happenings a - la - saga - o - Jenn. And yes, we all know that these...um... "events" can drastically change from victory to tragedy withing a few minutes.... multiple times a day.

Thank you mom, for being internet savy enough to know what a "blog" is. I am sure I will enjoy this time, as I hope will all of you.

One Love - Jenn

Sasha's First Ice Cream

2009-04-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

Not sure how flattering these pictures are, she looks more like Chunk from the Goonies, but I had to put up her first Ice Cream. Mint Chocolate Chip. Yummy. (her daddy makes the same faces when eating ice cream)

A Few Random Bath Bubbles....

2009-03-28T18:48:00.000-07:00

Bubbles on the nose......

Bubbles on the chin......

These eyes melt my heart everytime!

Zehn's "Show and Teach"

2009-03-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

So, apparently "show and tell" is a thing of the past. Now the kids do "show and teach". I like it.

We talked for weeks about what Zehn wanted to teach and went through many, many options. He finally decided since he had helped teach his sister sign language, he wanted to teach his class as well.

He did such a great job. He wrote all the words on the white board and then presented each corresponding sign to the class. What a little babe. He was a natural.

"Kitty"

2009-03-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

In a moment of impulse, I rescued this cat from a friend who was moving and planning on taking her to the animal shelter. Now I don't particularly have anything against animals, in fact I think they are great for children, but I don't particularly like them either.

Needless to say, the following are the reasons that "Kitty" was only a member of our family for less than a month:

1. My landlord had made it VERY clear that NO pets were allowed when I moved in. Trying to find just the right hiding place for the cat on days I knew he would be coming to the house became quite tiresome. Especially because this cat knew she had a voice and wanted to be heard. Which brings me to reason number 2....

2. Kitty's meow was stuck on repeat. Particularly at 3am. She would stand right next to my face on the bed relentlessly making presence known. There was nothing you could do to quiet this cat.

3. Sasha developed a strange teret syndrome-like response every time she saw the cat. She would scream what I imagine were words, but to the rest of us just sounded like a very loud mouth seizure. It was funny to us, but the poor kitty was scared to death at the very sight of Sasha. (Which may have had something to do with reason #2)

4. I don't like touching animals. And "don't like" is putting it gently. In reality I must be allergic to animal fur because I get terrible red itchy bumps. I knew this when I agreed to take the cat. What was I thinking???

However, in fairness to "Kitty", she was very good with the kids. If I didn't have to hide her, listen to her meow, comfort her (which meant touching her), clean her litter box, feed her, and make sure she didn't get hit by a car...... she would have been the perfect pet.

(* Note - we were able to find her a good home)